Alone

7.3 billion people in the world, and I feel alone. I feel shut off and introvert, alone with only my racing mind jumping to conclusions and creating bad scenarios. Sometimes I feel like I'm going mad, like I can't control my thoughts or escape from them. On my down days, dark thoughts engulf me and I feel like I'm drowning, trying desperately to get out. To break free from the total depression that's taking over. Some days I wake up and cry, just at the thought of knowing I have to face another day. As soon as I wake up and feel the same pains again, it's a stark reminder that I still have Crohns. I feel like a prisoner in my own body. I hate myself. Sometimes I wish I could just stay asleep... 

No one around me understands how I feel, and I know that's because I can't explain. As much as I try, I can't convey my thoughts or emotions in a normal way that people would understand. People say 'But there are people so much worse off than you' 'At least you don't have cancer!' 'Don't eat that and you'll be fine' but quite frankly that is all bullshit. Crohns isn't just a tummy ache, it's a disease eating away at my insides that I have for life. So when people say to me 'ah so you're all better now?' No, no I'm not, and it's likely that I never will be all better as I have a crohnic disease that is incurable. It's also unhelpful when people think they know what you're going through because they have IBS. I wish I had IBS. I would trade this for that any day!

I know I sound really rude and moany and horrid, but I wanted to let out how I really felt. I try to be as positive as possible, and think my blog reflects this, but some days I can't help feeling down. The past week has been really tough for me and I've struggled with my emotional feelings as well as being in pain. On Wednesday night I went into Basildon A&E as things had got really bad. I had a temperature, low blood pressure and was in bad pain. After hours there and blood tests and scans, they put me back on a course of Prednisolone steroids to control the flare up. I was glad to have been given something, but had mixed feelings about going back on the steroids. They make me feel 'not myself' and the struggle with not sleeping is horrid, plus this was again just another short term solution and wouldn't help me in the long run. The problem with steroids is that they mask the way you're truly feelings. They hide the pain and make you feel ok, and I think that's why I came crashing down after my first course. If you could be on these forever, you'd feel ok but there are so many side affects you can't be on them for a long time period so in the back of my mind I'm anticipating another relapse when I come off this course. But I am still on azathioprine, which my doctors have told me can take 8-12 weeks to kick in and start to work, so hopefully when I finish this course of steroids the aza will be helping. 

40mg of Prednisolone!

So this bank holiday weekend has been rather different to others I've had! I wanted to chill out and relax as I'm going to Dubai to celebrate my friends 21st on Wednesday and know in the back of my mind I've been worrying about feeling better for that. So Friday night I stayed in with my boyfriend and we watched a film which was really nice, but I still managed to ruin the evening. We had chicken and salad for dinner (which I think I ate far too quickly) and I had excruciating pains afterwards. I couldn't sit comfortably and we had to keep pausing the film for me to be sick, and take pain killers among other tablets. This is the most crushing thing, when you're doing everything right and you're still so poorly. I stayed in, I ate healthily, didn't drink, relaxed and I still chucked up my guts and felt rubbish. I really felt at my whits end with it. It's like being in a fight and constantly getting knocked down, and at the moment I feel like I don't have the energy to get back up. I try to hide it from people around me, how I'm really feeling, just because I don't want to worry them even more but I know they can see what's really going on. I hate myself for how I make them feel. I hate myself for being such a burden on my family, the amount of pressure and stress I cause them makes me feel terrible. I wish I didn't have crohns not only for my sake, but for their sake too. 

On Saturday I booked myself in for a full body massage to totally relax me. I was up early as I had another blood test at Basildon at 9am so decided to make the most of my day. I had my blood test, then had my nails done and then had the massage in the afternoon. It was amazing! A whole hour totally relaxing was just what I needed. I felt like I could've just crawled into bed and slept, but I had been invited to a BBQ so went to that. It's such a shame the weather was so rubbish, but it was great to get out. Seeing friends distracted me and took my mind off things, and having someone else make some yummy chicken and salad for me was a delight! 

9am Blood test followed by yummy cheese and baby leaf omelette

My manicure on my pamper day!

On Sunday morning, I opened my eyes and wanted to shut them straight again. My stomach felt like it was ripping and everything ached. I just could not be bothered. I hardly had the energy to cry. My mum came into my room and cuddled me and I just broke down. The only way I can describe how I feel, is like my heart is literally breaking. I can almost feel it being torn apart and I am totally helpless and can do nothing about it. I desperately want it to be taken away from me, but at the same time wouldn't wish it on anyone else. It is so hard trying to deal with everything I'm facing, but I would much rather have it then any of my family or friends. My mum and dad often say they wish they could take it away from me, but I don't know how I would cope if the shoe was on the other foot. They're so strong, and so good at being able to pick me up and help me I don't know how I could do the same. 

I would have just spent the day in my room with the blinds shut watching telly, but know that would have only made me feel worse. My mum said to me to come out with my family and distract myself so I did that. I didn't feel great when I was out, and felt sweaty and ugly and not myself but I was glad for going. It's important to remember that there are so many people worse off than you, and everyone is fighting their own battles. It's just about being strong enough to keep fighting. 

Me & Phoebe on Bank Holiday Sunday

So today is a new day, and I'm deciding to make it a good day. Despite being woken up early, and going back and forth to the toilet all morning, I'm determined to make this a good day. I've got my own fluffy water bottle, and a yummy home made brunch!  

Buffy keeping me company in bed

Avocado on toast with scrambled eggs

When I feel like crying I will cry, and won't punish myself, but I will be sure to pick myself up, wipe my tears, and carry on.

XOXO Crohnie Girl