Aaaaaaand it's back. How stupid do I feel for thinking I was 'normal' again. For tricking myself that I was 'fine' now. I'll never be 'fine' or 'normal' and this flare is just another reminder of that. I have a chronic illness that will not go away for the rest of my life... no matter if I feel well, or have periods of remission, it will still be there. Just waiting under the surface to come back and bite me when I least expect it. When everything is going right, it will come back and remind me that I'm not 'right'.
Over the last few months ALOT has happened in my life, so I was silly to think it wouldn't impact on my body. I started redeveloping a home, started a new job, and then moved into my new home. Which for anyone would be a lot, but for me it has been a lot a lot! I knew tackling a big thing like this was going to be a challenge for me, so all along I stayed aware of that. I listened to my body if I felt tired, I made sure I was eating right, had regular appointments with my doctor and really felt like I was doing all of the sensible things. But this is the problem with Crohns, no matter how hard you try you cannot make it go away. It is an incurable disease that can only be managed not cured, and although I thought I was managing it, I couldn't control what it was doing to my body. At the time I felt ok, and I think this was probably down to excitement and adrenaline that just kept me going but about a month and a half into my new job and new home, everything all caught up. I think I had increased anxiety and stress thinking I was coming into a flare and panicking what I would do with a new job. I was trying to set a good example of myself and proving I was the right decision for the job but this was becoming increasingly difficult when I felt so poorly. I was spending more time in the toilet than at my desk, feeling faint whenever I stood up, passing blood and all the while slapping a fake smile on my face pretending I was ok when all I wanted to do was burst into tears. I knew I had to listen to my body and it was screaming out for me to notice, so I did end up calling in sick with the hope that a days rest would help me out. But as the days went on, every morning I woke up feeling worse and eventually succumbed to the inevitable and went to A&E. I knew I needed to go to the hospital but was putting it off, I didn't want to admit I wasn't well. I didn't want to admit I needed the hospital and doctors. I didn't want to admit I was in another flare... After going to A&E I was admitted to hospital and put on my 4th course of steroids which were started intravenously and then I was sent home to be on an oral course for 8 weeks. 8 long weeks of prednisolone. Joy! Now not only did I have my flare to deal with but the side affects of pred - insomnia, weight gain, bloating, acne, mood swings, depression, the list goes on. Part of me felt relief that I could start to feel better, but another part of me felt like I was back to the beginning. But it wasn't the beginning, this was just life for me now and something that is likely to happen for the rest of my life. Up and down, in and out of hospital, this was my reality and I felt such sadness. I felt like I was grieving my old life all over again, the life I had pretended I had got back for the past months. I found it hard to look positively into the future, especially hearing that I had thickening in my bowel; my immediate thoughts turned to whether I would need surgery. I couldn't look at the positive side.
Now four weeks on, four weeks of sleepless nights, four weeks of tears, four weeks of feeling completely shit, I am looking at another four weeks of this! But I am trying to look at the next four weeks more positively. I am always so hard on myself and get so impatient that I'm not feeling better already, but in reality it's going to take time. My body is going through a lot, and now being on steroids is going through even more so I need to respect that. I might not feel back to myself by tomorrow, or the next day or the day after, but each day I am improving and that is what I need to focus on. The steroids have improved my stomach pains and I have now stopped passing blood, which is a massive improvement but I am still feeling so far from myself. I can't stand up for long periods of time without feeling faint, I don't have much of an appetite, I feel sick, everything aches, I can't sleep and I have a mouth full of blisters and ulcers. It is so hard to stay upbeat when you feel like everything is going against you. But I am trying my best to be positive and trying anything and everything to make myself feel better. One of the things I know, is that I need to keep eating little and often to get my strength back, but it's difficult when food causes me pain and makes me feel so ill. I have been trying to get nutrients in through having my smoothies again and this has really been good for me. I've also just been eating things I really fancy, so at least when I do eat it's something I enjoy. To follow what I eat check out
https://www.instagram.com/xoxocrohniegirl/ and feel free to take any tips!
Having Crohns Disease is a daily battle, an uphill struggle and the only way to beat it is to fight. It is so so much more than just an upset stomach and really is as much of a mental illness as a physical illness. Every time things get hard I want to give up, but the determination in me keeps me going. I've got this far, I can go further. Keep fighting, keep pushing on, don't let it win!
