After having words with my parents about how I was honestly feeling, I could tell I had worried them even more and this made me feel worse. I already felt like a burden enough and now that I was letting them into my thoughts I felt like I was adding even more pressure on to them. I didn't want to tell them how I really felt, I didn't want them to worry or tell me off for having 'silly thoughts'. I didn't actually have any intentions of telling them how I felt, it was my mum that had found something I had written so she knew what was going on. My stomach sank when she called me telling me she'd found it. I knew she'd be devastated to know I was so low, but I didn't mean for her to find it. I didn't mean for anyone to find it or know how I really felt. These were just thoughts in my head that I was desperately trying to squish to the back of my mind. I thought by getting it out on paper it would feel like some sort of release, but it didn't go away; the voice was still there, still making me sad.
My mum wasn't angry, she was upset and hurt that I was feeling like this all alone. The real burden would be to live without me and that was something she would never want. Any hurdle I face, any wall I come up against, I 100% have my parents help to knock them down. I think I only doubted this because I was feeling so low, and when you have no way of getting out of that mind set or shaking off that negative feeling, it's hard to see any other side. I believed my family would be better off without me, that they would be free to have a normal life again, but my dad said to me that no life would be worth living without me in it. And I know he means this. I feel terrible for ever doubting that.
So after a bit of an intervention, I decided to take action. If the medication wasn't making me feel better, I was going to explore alternative roots. I had been recommended by a friend to see a lady who practises Kinesiology which basically is about human kinetics and relates to Chinese medicine. Kinesiology addresses physiological, mechanical and psychological mechanisms. I went into this with a completely open mind as I didn't know a lot about it, and had the attitude of 'what do I have to loose'. I managed to get booked in quickly and went to see the lady the night before I was due to go away. The session normally lasts 1hour, but I was in there for 2! (she had her work cut out with me!) She explored my Chakras which were not balanced which means this would reflect in my physical, emotional and energetic body. The Chakras are very sensitive and react to what is going on outside and inside the body. The purpose is to work with them frequently to make them more robust. At the moment, my 'Solar Plexus' Chakra which is in the stomach/gut area is all over the place. The Solar Plexus has the nerves that extend from the mind to the stomach and this is why what is often going on in our heads reflects in the health of our stomach region. As the stomach is our 'emotional core' mine is in a right state! Having Crohns means my immune system is confused about what it needs to fight and attack and what my body ends up doing is attacking itself. This is reflected in the way I think about myself. I was told I have to be incredibly careful about how I feel about myself. If we think 'I don't like who I am' the immune system will attack the self. So my Crohns is attacking my body from the inside out. She worked on some ways to fix this and repair my aura, and everything she said did really make sense to me. The session was incredibly emotional, and I felt that she worked on some really deep issues of mine. As draining as the session was, I felt lighter as I left. It was as if a weight had been lifted off my shoulders. Not totally! - but slighty. I don't expect all these feelings to go away over night, but I am encouraged that this could be a step in the right direction.
As well as booking in again to see the Kinesiologist, I have set up an appointment to see a councillor when I am back from Dubai. I'm really planning to enjoy my time in Dubai by relaxing and taking some time out, as well as celebrating my friends birthday. I will be surrounded by fun and my friends so I'm not too worried about feeling alone or scared in my own thoughts. I think the most important thing I have learnt is to not be ashamed of how I am feeling and definitely don't keep my feelings bottled up. And whenever you do feel alone, always know that you're not. There is always someone there to support you, no matter how low you're feeling. Have faith in human nature, people are more understanding then you think.
XOXO Crohnie Girl
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