Holiday Come Down

Sometimes Tuesdays are even worse than Mondays. They can be like a Monday times 2! This is one of those Tuesdays.

I woke up feeling so tired, but kicked myself out of bed and started the morning the way I usually do - hot water with lemon, aloe shot and pills. I was super sleepy getting ready but still managed to do it in time to walk to the station which I was sure would wake me up. It didn't! I was drifting off on the train but this only made me feel more tired by the time I had to get off. As well as being tired, my tummy felt stretched to the limit which was odd, as I hadn't eaten anything to upset me. All I had had was salmon and avocado for dinner as I'm conscious of getting back to healthy eating after my holiday. I put the tummy discomfort down to being tired and thought it would go away, but I was wrong. Throughout the whole day I have had cramps and continuous toilet trips as well as still passing blood. The worst thing about this is the worry that comes with it, and the voice in my head continually questioning what have I done wrong and why is this happening. Part of me thinks that it is because I am now only on 5mg of Prednisone, and this isn't enough to keep my flare up at bay, but then again, the azathioprine would have kicked in by now and that should be helping. This reminded me to chase up my blood test results, and also to get my prescription repeated. I only have enough aza left until Thursday, so feel pretty stressed about getting a new lot in time. After ringing my doctors, I was left feeling even more stressed out. The receptionist was so unhelpful, as all of them seem to be lately, and just wanted to get me off of the phone. I asked her to leave a message for my doctor to call me - not expecting this to happen - and later in the day she did. She was so nice and said that as it is a specialist drug the Dr from the hospital must prescribe it, so I sent my IBD nurses a message and they sorted that out for me. Phew.

One stress out of the way, but I still wasn't feeling great. At lunch time I went to spin class as I thought that would give me a boost and get me through the afternoon but it really didn't. I felt faint on the bike and had the bad pains in my lower right side. I also know when my crohns isn't under control, as my cheeks go red and hot. All of these symptoms have fully surfaced today and all I have wanted to do is curl up in bed with a hot water bottle. When you're feeling like this, it is so hard not to feel sorry for yourself. I always try to just keep going, and sometimes this works as a great distraction method but today it wasn't helping. During one visit to the toilet my phone started ringing and it was my boyfriend. When I heard his voice I couldn't help but get upset. I was doing my best not to cry, but the hard lump in my throat was hurting, and after he'd asked me 'What's wrong?' (the worst thing you can ask someone when they are trying not to cry) the tears just spilled out of my eyes and down my cheeks. I was just feeling majorly fed up and rubbish, but he is always so good at comforting me and reassuring me, and I'm so grateful for that.

In honesty, I think the reason why I am suffering today and have been the past couple of days is because a week of partying has caught up with me. I thought I was fine whilst I was away, but now I am home I can see the week has taken it's toll. Before Crohns I wouldn't have experienced this, and would have been able to continue like a normal 21 year old but things are now different. I can't have a coffee to perk me up, I cant have an early night and then just feel ok, I am constantly exhausted, even though I might not look it. I am a lot of the time in pain even though I've done my hair and make up and look fine. Crohns is an invisible illness, and although I might look ok, it's hurting my insides and has a huge impact on my life.
My friends are all planning on going to V Festival this weekend and I just don't know how I am going to be able to do that... I think what's in store for me is some well needed rest. To be honest, this makes me feel gutted. In case you hadn't realised, I'm not really one for rest! I love going out and socialising and whenever I'm not doing that I think I'm missing out (FOMO strikes again!) but I need to remember that my health is now my number one priority and if missing a night out means my health is ok, then so be it.

 

Tonight I'm going to an IBD Support Group at Basildon Hospital. They have one once a month and get various nurses/doctors/speakers in to do a talk to the group, then have question time after. I'm really looking forward to it as I think it's great to talk to other people about their experiences and you can always pick up little tips. It will also give me a chance to speak to my IBD nurses about how I'm feeling, and see if they think it is a flare up (fingers crossed it's not) or just due to my heavy week. To avoid feeling any worse, I'm making sure I'm eating super clean and healthy and drinking lots of water. As much as this stupid disease try's to get me down, I won't let it.

XOXO Crohnie Girl