Alone

7.3 billion people in the world, and I feel alone. I feel shut off and introvert, alone with only my racing mind jumping to conclusions and creating bad scenarios. Sometimes I feel like I'm going mad, like I can't control my thoughts or escape from them. On my down days, dark thoughts engulf me and I feel like I'm drowning, trying desperately to get out. To break free from the total depression that's taking over. Some days I wake up and cry, just at the thought of knowing I have to face another day. As soon as I wake up and feel the same pains again, it's a stark reminder that I still have Crohns. I feel like a prisoner in my own body. I hate myself. Sometimes I wish I could just stay asleep... 

No one around me understands how I feel, and I know that's because I can't explain. As much as I try, I can't convey my thoughts or emotions in a normal way that people would understand. People say 'But there are people so much worse off than you' 'At least you don't have cancer!' 'Don't eat that and you'll be fine' but quite frankly that is all bullshit. Crohns isn't just a tummy ache, it's a disease eating away at my insides that I have for life. So when people say to me 'ah so you're all better now?' No, no I'm not, and it's likely that I never will be all better as I have a crohnic disease that is incurable. It's also unhelpful when people think they know what you're going through because they have IBS. I wish I had IBS. I would trade this for that any day!

I know I sound really rude and moany and horrid, but I wanted to let out how I really felt. I try to be as positive as possible, and think my blog reflects this, but some days I can't help feeling down. The past week has been really tough for me and I've struggled with my emotional feelings as well as being in pain. On Wednesday night I went into Basildon A&E as things had got really bad. I had a temperature, low blood pressure and was in bad pain. After hours there and blood tests and scans, they put me back on a course of Prednisolone steroids to control the flare up. I was glad to have been given something, but had mixed feelings about going back on the steroids. They make me feel 'not myself' and the struggle with not sleeping is horrid, plus this was again just another short term solution and wouldn't help me in the long run. The problem with steroids is that they mask the way you're truly feelings. They hide the pain and make you feel ok, and I think that's why I came crashing down after my first course. If you could be on these forever, you'd feel ok but there are so many side affects you can't be on them for a long time period so in the back of my mind I'm anticipating another relapse when I come off this course. But I am still on azathioprine, which my doctors have told me can take 8-12 weeks to kick in and start to work, so hopefully when I finish this course of steroids the aza will be helping. 

40mg of Prednisolone!

So this bank holiday weekend has been rather different to others I've had! I wanted to chill out and relax as I'm going to Dubai to celebrate my friends 21st on Wednesday and know in the back of my mind I've been worrying about feeling better for that. So Friday night I stayed in with my boyfriend and we watched a film which was really nice, but I still managed to ruin the evening. We had chicken and salad for dinner (which I think I ate far too quickly) and I had excruciating pains afterwards. I couldn't sit comfortably and we had to keep pausing the film for me to be sick, and take pain killers among other tablets. This is the most crushing thing, when you're doing everything right and you're still so poorly. I stayed in, I ate healthily, didn't drink, relaxed and I still chucked up my guts and felt rubbish. I really felt at my whits end with it. It's like being in a fight and constantly getting knocked down, and at the moment I feel like I don't have the energy to get back up. I try to hide it from people around me, how I'm really feeling, just because I don't want to worry them even more but I know they can see what's really going on. I hate myself for how I make them feel. I hate myself for being such a burden on my family, the amount of pressure and stress I cause them makes me feel terrible. I wish I didn't have crohns not only for my sake, but for their sake too. 

On Saturday I booked myself in for a full body massage to totally relax me. I was up early as I had another blood test at Basildon at 9am so decided to make the most of my day. I had my blood test, then had my nails done and then had the massage in the afternoon. It was amazing! A whole hour totally relaxing was just what I needed. I felt like I could've just crawled into bed and slept, but I had been invited to a BBQ so went to that. It's such a shame the weather was so rubbish, but it was great to get out. Seeing friends distracted me and took my mind off things, and having someone else make some yummy chicken and salad for me was a delight! 

9am Blood test followed by yummy cheese and baby leaf omelette

My manicure on my pamper day!

On Sunday morning, I opened my eyes and wanted to shut them straight again. My stomach felt like it was ripping and everything ached. I just could not be bothered. I hardly had the energy to cry. My mum came into my room and cuddled me and I just broke down. The only way I can describe how I feel, is like my heart is literally breaking. I can almost feel it being torn apart and I am totally helpless and can do nothing about it. I desperately want it to be taken away from me, but at the same time wouldn't wish it on anyone else. It is so hard trying to deal with everything I'm facing, but I would much rather have it then any of my family or friends. My mum and dad often say they wish they could take it away from me, but I don't know how I would cope if the shoe was on the other foot. They're so strong, and so good at being able to pick me up and help me I don't know how I could do the same. 

I would have just spent the day in my room with the blinds shut watching telly, but know that would have only made me feel worse. My mum said to me to come out with my family and distract myself so I did that. I didn't feel great when I was out, and felt sweaty and ugly and not myself but I was glad for going. It's important to remember that there are so many people worse off than you, and everyone is fighting their own battles. It's just about being strong enough to keep fighting. 

Me & Phoebe on Bank Holiday Sunday

So today is a new day, and I'm deciding to make it a good day. Despite being woken up early, and going back and forth to the toilet all morning, I'm determined to make this a good day. I've got my own fluffy water bottle, and a yummy home made brunch!  

Buffy keeping me company in bed

Avocado on toast with scrambled eggs

When I feel like crying I will cry, and won't punish myself, but I will be sure to pick myself up, wipe my tears, and carry on.

XOXO Crohnie Girl 

Unhappy Hump Day

 

Wednesday. Hump day! The start of the downward slope towards the weekend meaning high spirits all around.... But not for me. I  haven't written anything the last few days and it's just because I've felt like I've been in a permanent bad mood that I just can't shake off. I'm hoping getting my feelings out and writing things down will make me feel better.

 

As I write this it is absolutely pouring down outside!! A complete contrast to the beautiful weather we had on Saturday. It wasn't rain drops on the window I woke up to, it was stunning sunshine beaming through the blinds. What a glorious Saturday morning! As I woke up, I thought about how I would spend my time on this lovely day, then I remembered it was V festival ...and I wasn't going... Immediately I wanted to get under the covers and sulk. I picked up my phone and saw notifications from my girls group chat; they were all getting excited and planning their arrangements for the festival. I felt so jealous and upset that I wasn't going. I desperately didn't want to miss out. I wanted to be involved and having fun and enjoying myself in the sun. But in honesty, I wasn't up to it at all. Aside from feeling poorly and having tummy pains, in the state I was in, V Festival would have been a nightmare for me. I would have had to pack a suitcase to carry around with me for the day and I don't think I would be allowed in with that! My pills would get questioned, I wouldn't be able to take water in (they'd think it was Vodka!) and I wouldn't  be able to take any food in. In previous years I hadn't even thought about food, but now that I am so restricted with what I eat, there would have been nothing in there I would have been able to purchase and eat. So realistically, it was a bad idea to go. Plus there is the toilet issue. The constant queue's would not have been helpful! Then the state's they are left in would have been far from pleasant. So I told myself it didn't matter that I wasn't going, I wasn't missing out and I was still going to have a lovely sunny Saturday.

As I still wasn't feeling 100%, I didn't want to do anything strenuous so decided I would go for a leisurely swim with my mum and sister. I hadn't been swimming for a while so felt like I missed it! I really enjoyed it and felt nice and refreshed afterwards. The perfect way to cool down in the heat! After swimming, my sister and I popped to see my cousins. My cousin has recently had a beautiful baby girl Amelia Rose so it's always lovely seeing her. She was enjoying cooling off in the paddling pool, little cutie!

 

Amelia Rose, me and my sister Ellie

 

After my lovely morning I felt in a bit of a slump again... My sister was seeing her boyfriend, my mum and dad at a BBQ, my boyfriend playing golf and my friends were at V Festival. Even my friend Demi couldn't come to the rescue because she works Saturdays! Rubbish! So I was sat at home all on my own.. My sister had even took Buffy out with her so I couldn't cuddle her whilst listening to 'Akon - Lonely' and feeling sorry for myself. With no better ideas, I sat on the sofa and sulked. I knew I should've been positive and made myself go do something but I had the hump and I just couldn't get rid of it. I was taking it out on my boyfriend and sending blunt messages whilst he was playing golf (I hate golf) and I knew this wasn't fair to him, but it wasn't fair to me that I was sat at home whilst everyone was out doing things... Crohns isn't fair :(

I was texting my mum and she could tell from a mile off what was wrong, and gave me a little pep talk to sort me out. What was the point of dragging out my bad mood? I had to shake it off and save the day by still having a nice evening, so that's exactly what I did. My boyfriend came round for me and we met with my friend Demi and her boyfriend Louis and headed out for dinner. As it was such a lovely evening, we decided to have dinner by the sea and booked the Boatyard in Leigh on Sea. The setting was beautiful, and the fishy menu suited me perfectly. I never used to be a 'tryer', but now that I can only eat restricted things, I try to try different things as often as I can. I ordered black sea bream - I have never had it before - which came with rice and veggies. It was of course plain, but still yummy. I enjoyed my dinner a lot, but decided it's not one of my favourite fish. My favourite has got to be monkfish!! After dinner, we headed to Rossi's to get an ice cream and then head home. It really was the perfect evening to make my day. The whole time we were out I didn't think twice about V! Maybe my FOMO has been cured?!

 

We had a table by the window with this beautiful view

 

 

I had a lovely lie in on Sunday, and because the weather was so rubbish, I did not a lot other than stay indoors. Apart from getting a DVD to watch and visiting my boyfriends Nan, I did nothing other than watch rubbish on the telly and chill out. It was so needed!! When it is raining out, my ideal day is to be indoors in comfy clothes all snug watching TV. It is such a shame this can't be done on a week day, as days like this are needed to be spent in doors! I find this miserable weather so depressing, and think it has a knock on affect to how I'm feeling. On Monday, I decided I was going to have a super early night and that I did. I got in from work and ran the bath whilst I heated my dinner. Dinner was so lovely! Cod with pesto sauce, jacket potato with carrots and runner beans. YUM! I really enjoyed it, which is so lovely for me to still be able to enjoy food. After eating I hopped straight into the hot bath and completely chilled out. I stayed in the bath for a while, just because it was so lovely hearing the rain outside but being so warm and relaxed at the same time. Once my fingers had turned completely pruney, I jumped out and dried myself then slipped on my silk PJs - a necessity! I was in bed by 9, and had a 9 hour sleep which meant I woke up on Tuesday feeling good and ready to face another rainy day! Tuesday was much like Monday, rain rain and more rain... But there was something in the office to brighten the day... SWEETS! A colleague had bought sweets at the airport from their holiday for the team to enjoy. They were screaming at me like a spoilt child 'Eat me eat me eat me' how could I say no?! I knew the sweets would upset me so said to myself I would only have a few... that didn't happen! I kept getting up and helping myself to more, they were too good not too. But not long after eating them, my 'symptoms' became apparent and more frequent. With not feeling well anyway, I really shouldn't have eaten them. But I felt like I wanted to, I wanted to cheer myself up and part of me though eff it, I feel rubbish anyway I might as well have some sweets. I wished I hadn't had any, but you live and you learn!! I just drank lots and lots of water to help me.

 

Can't beat a bubble bath!

Makes my belly rumble just looking at it!

 

Like I say, I always try my best to be positive but this morning I woke up and just felt like saying NO. I had had a rubbish sleep, which isn't unordinary for me, but I had actually woken up feeling unwell. My throat was sore, my tummy was sore, my face and eyes were puffy and I just felt crap. I started crying in bed knowing that I had to get up and get ready and face the day. I think sometimes the most tiring thing is pretending that you're ok? I know people understand when you're not feeling well, but to many people illness is very boring. Often people ask me 'Are you all better now?'... No, unfortunately I'm not. Crohns isn't like your average cough or cold you know, it's permanent. Lately I've really been struggling with that. I just want to feel better. I want to take a magic pill and be back to myself, but sadly it's not that easy. Because I have been feeling so bad lately, my IBD nurse asked me to do two stool samples which were sent off on Friday, but take a week for the results. This is SO frustrating as pretty much nothing can be done until we know what's going on. As I felt particularly bad this morning, I emailed the nurse again explaining about my temperature, pains and swollen face. She advised me to urgently book an appointment with my GP as it sounds like Glandular Fever. Great. Fantastic. Cherry on top of the god awful cake! So now I have the joy of calling my doctors and speaking to the most unhelpful, rude receptionists on the planet and attempt to book an appointment for today not 4 weeks time as they would like to make me wait.

Happy effing Wednesday.

 

XOXO Crohnie Girl

 

 

 

Bad Patch

I'm writing this post with wet eyes and crusty cheeks, the last few days have not been good. Just as I was thinking I was on the way up after an amazing week in Vegas and feeling in control of my life and illness, it comes back to bite me.

When I got my Crohns diagnosis, everyone around me were supportive and encouraging. They all tried to say and do the right things, cheer me up and comfort me but unfortunately no one could take it away from me. It was now a part of me and something I had to deal with going forward. Everyone told me it was just a bad patch and things were going to get better, but what I want to know is when the bad patch finishes? At the moment I feel like it's never ending. As soon as things start to look up, Crohns smacks me in the face just reminding me it's not gone. I hear it. It's small, evil voice in my head... Even though you can't see me I'm still here. Even though at times you can't feel me, I'm still here. Even though you think you've got rid of me I'm still here. Always here.

I find this really hard to deal with. Most of the time I feel ok, and feel on top of things and strong and positive but I'd be lying if I said I felt like this all the time. I still have low times, and in reality I will have low times throughout my life. Times when it's too hard to hold back the tears, and times when I feel sorry for myself, and times when I just want to shut my bedroom door and let no one in. THe hardest thing about this horrible illness is the feeling that no one understands. Because my arm isn't in cast, or half my face isn't missing, I look 'well'. People always comment on how 'well' I look, but if only they knew. If only they knew how I felt in the morning when my alarm goes off after a bad night sleep because my tummy keeps me awake. How embarrassed I feel to get up from my desk and go to the toilet AGAIN. How much pain I can be in whilst sat completely stationary doing nothing. How upset I feel to stay indoors while my friends go out and have fun. How angry I feel that I have Crohns and have it for life. I really try my best to be positive, but sometimes I simply don't have the energy.

Since being home from Vegas, I have obviously been very tired. But on top of that, my symptoms have got worse. Now I don't know if this is just because the week has caught up with me, or because I have finished my course of steroids. For the majority of the week I've sat at work hunched over a hot water bottle and have literally felt that my heart is breaking. It is such a harsh reality to be met with after having the most amazing holiday. A harsh reminder that I still have Crohns. Whilst it is a massive bummer that I have Crohns, at least I now know what it is. So I can get onto my IBD nurse and explain my symptoms and she can help get them sorted. As I am having these pains and irregular stools, she has asked that I do a stool sample. My blood pressure is also very low, which happens when I am unwell, It reads 79 over 40 and the healthy average is 110 over 60. My mum was worried about this and because she could see the amount of pain I was in, wanted me to go to A&E but I really didn't want to go. I felt like I was giving in, and I couldn't give in. I told my IBD nurse everything that was going on, and she said if I was worried to go to A&E but if I could hold out she'd have an opinion from my consultant in the morning, so I decided to wait for that. I took some codeine tablets, put a hot wheat bag on my stomach and curled up on the sofa. My mum was making me cups of boiled water which I find really helps me when my tummys causing me pain. 

Although this is just shit (sorry, but there is no other way to put it) I can manage, I have amazing people around me that support me massively. I know I can get through this, sometimes I just need a little bit of reminding.

XOXO Crohnie Girl

Strength in Numbers

So last night I went to the Basildon Hospital IBD support group for the first time. I think it's great they run this, as it is a help to Crohns and Ulcerative Colitis sufferers knowing there are other people going through the same thing and being able to chat and share their issues. As well as patients, they encourage family members or friends to attend and I think this is a fab idea. A lot of people know of Crohns and UC, but they don't really know what the diseases mean or what having them entails. I took my mum along with me last night, my sister wanted to come as well but unfortunately doesn't finish work in time to make it so I had to report back to her afterwards! There were about 15 people at the group, mixed gender and mixed ages along with one of the Basildon Hospital IBD nurses. They said this was quite quiet as in the summer months a lot of people are on holiday. I felt quite shy at first, which isn't normal for me, but everyone was so friendly I quickly relaxed. The session was a casual group discussion, where people shared how they'd been feeling and their personal experiences. At first I just listened, but when I felt brave enough started to share also. It was so nice to be able to talk about my illness with likeminded people that understood what I meant and how I was feeling. It felt like a relief that I could be understood and not judged, and was able to speak freely with no worry. I found the session really helpful, I got some tips and heard of things I never had before and this is a massive positive. One of the things was a radar key. I didn't even know what one was! But you can apply for one online if you have Crohns Disease or Ulceratice Colitis and it means you can use locked disabled toilets. I think this is a great idea, even if it just has a psychological affect on you making you feel calm just knowing you have the key in your bag if you did need the toilet urgently.

https://crm.disabilityrightsuk.org/radar-nks-key  

Next months meeting I wont be able to attend, as I am at my cousins wedding, but I will definitely go to the October meet. They have one of the hospital Gastroenterologists doing a talk and then question time which I think will be great.

As well as finding group helpful, I found it inspiring. No one there was moaning or whinging and trying to get sympathy, they were all just getting on with their life. As well as being sufferers, they also run the group to help others. What a kind, selfless act to want to help other people and offer them support for going through the same thing. I found it empowering, and think it was good to go whilst I was feeling rubbish because it was a lift for me. I came out having a better outlook and not feeling so down on myself. It made me realise that whilst having Crohns is rubbish, it's not the end of the world and there is always someone out there worse off than you. At times my Crohns may have won the fight, but it won't win the war.

XOXO Crohnie Girl

Holiday Come Down

Sometimes Tuesdays are even worse than Mondays. They can be like a Monday times 2! This is one of those Tuesdays.

I woke up feeling so tired, but kicked myself out of bed and started the morning the way I usually do - hot water with lemon, aloe shot and pills. I was super sleepy getting ready but still managed to do it in time to walk to the station which I was sure would wake me up. It didn't! I was drifting off on the train but this only made me feel more tired by the time I had to get off. As well as being tired, my tummy felt stretched to the limit which was odd, as I hadn't eaten anything to upset me. All I had had was salmon and avocado for dinner as I'm conscious of getting back to healthy eating after my holiday. I put the tummy discomfort down to being tired and thought it would go away, but I was wrong. Throughout the whole day I have had cramps and continuous toilet trips as well as still passing blood. The worst thing about this is the worry that comes with it, and the voice in my head continually questioning what have I done wrong and why is this happening. Part of me thinks that it is because I am now only on 5mg of Prednisone, and this isn't enough to keep my flare up at bay, but then again, the azathioprine would have kicked in by now and that should be helping. This reminded me to chase up my blood test results, and also to get my prescription repeated. I only have enough aza left until Thursday, so feel pretty stressed about getting a new lot in time. After ringing my doctors, I was left feeling even more stressed out. The receptionist was so unhelpful, as all of them seem to be lately, and just wanted to get me off of the phone. I asked her to leave a message for my doctor to call me - not expecting this to happen - and later in the day she did. She was so nice and said that as it is a specialist drug the Dr from the hospital must prescribe it, so I sent my IBD nurses a message and they sorted that out for me. Phew.

One stress out of the way, but I still wasn't feeling great. At lunch time I went to spin class as I thought that would give me a boost and get me through the afternoon but it really didn't. I felt faint on the bike and had the bad pains in my lower right side. I also know when my crohns isn't under control, as my cheeks go red and hot. All of these symptoms have fully surfaced today and all I have wanted to do is curl up in bed with a hot water bottle. When you're feeling like this, it is so hard not to feel sorry for yourself. I always try to just keep going, and sometimes this works as a great distraction method but today it wasn't helping. During one visit to the toilet my phone started ringing and it was my boyfriend. When I heard his voice I couldn't help but get upset. I was doing my best not to cry, but the hard lump in my throat was hurting, and after he'd asked me 'What's wrong?' (the worst thing you can ask someone when they are trying not to cry) the tears just spilled out of my eyes and down my cheeks. I was just feeling majorly fed up and rubbish, but he is always so good at comforting me and reassuring me, and I'm so grateful for that.

In honesty, I think the reason why I am suffering today and have been the past couple of days is because a week of partying has caught up with me. I thought I was fine whilst I was away, but now I am home I can see the week has taken it's toll. Before Crohns I wouldn't have experienced this, and would have been able to continue like a normal 21 year old but things are now different. I can't have a coffee to perk me up, I cant have an early night and then just feel ok, I am constantly exhausted, even though I might not look it. I am a lot of the time in pain even though I've done my hair and make up and look fine. Crohns is an invisible illness, and although I might look ok, it's hurting my insides and has a huge impact on my life.
My friends are all planning on going to V Festival this weekend and I just don't know how I am going to be able to do that... I think what's in store for me is some well needed rest. To be honest, this makes me feel gutted. In case you hadn't realised, I'm not really one for rest! I love going out and socialising and whenever I'm not doing that I think I'm missing out (FOMO strikes again!) but I need to remember that my health is now my number one priority and if missing a night out means my health is ok, then so be it.

 

Tonight I'm going to an IBD Support Group at Basildon Hospital. They have one once a month and get various nurses/doctors/speakers in to do a talk to the group, then have question time after. I'm really looking forward to it as I think it's great to talk to other people about their experiences and you can always pick up little tips. It will also give me a chance to speak to my IBD nurses about how I'm feeling, and see if they think it is a flare up (fingers crossed it's not) or just due to my heavy week. To avoid feeling any worse, I'm making sure I'm eating super clean and healthy and drinking lots of water. As much as this stupid disease try's to get me down, I won't let it.

XOXO Crohnie Girl

Back to Reality

This morning was tough. Getting up at 06.30am and getting on the train to go to work was truly horrible. I should be sunning it up at a pool party not in rubbish England! That's the only thing about having fabulous holidays, the come down when you get home. I really had the best week with my girl friends and loved every minute. To be honest, I didn't think I would have as good a time as I did because of my Crohn's and having been so poorly, but other than the usual pains and the one incident where I fainted, it really didn't affect me. Even my friends were impressed I was the last one standing, still dancing on the table at Hakkasan. I see that I still live up to my party girl reputation - even sober!

Our last few days in Vegas were amazing. As it got closer to the end it seemed to go so quickly! There was still loads of stuff that we wanted to do. The girls wanted to check out IHOP (International House of Pancakes) so we decided to head over there for breakfast and it was by the Stratosphere so it meant we could see that too. We jumped into two taxi's and headed over to Old Town Las Vegas. I couldn't believe how different it looked to where we were staying. There were lots of little shacks which our taxi driver explained was where the prostitutes lived. It reminded me of documentaries I'd watched on TV and I found it fascinating! I couldn't stop looking out the window. The Stratosphere hotel where we were dropped off had the same feel as its outdoor surroundings. I found it quite sad, as it wasn't at all glamorous like the Cosmopolitan and made me think this was the type of place poor gambling addicts would end up. I'd be lying if I said I felt comfortable in my bikini and kaftan! We rushed through, all feeling a bit awkward, and went to meet the girls in the other car. I rang them and they said they were walking into IHOP now so we crossed the road to go and meet them. This was not the kind of place we'd been used to eating on our luxury week away... I felt like I was in the ghetto (LOL!). The girls had been stopped walking by someone saying "Girls like you shouldn't be dressed like that walking around this neighbourhood" It was safe to say we were fairly 'shaken' by the new surroundings, and swiftly decided to jump back in cabs and head back to what we knew - buffet breakfast in the hotel!

I quickly snapped a picture of the Stratosphere before running inside

It was so hot outside so was lovely to be able to cool off eating some breakfast in the air conditioned restaurant. Instead of going to our hotel we went to the Venetian for something different. They had a buffet breakfast till 11.30 for $20 so we did that. This suited me perfectly as it meant I could pick foods I knew were suitable for me, and also fill up! I had a spinach and cheese omelette, with a yummy fruit salad. There was an option for gluten free bread, but this was in the form of a burger bun but I wasn't really fancying an omelette burger. I was pretty full up on what I had eaten, and I made sure I drank lots of water and also had a pot of herbal tea. I had been rather constipated whilst being on holiday, but this isn't really unusual for me however it still makes me stressed and anxious. This is so my downfall, that I can't just stay calm and not worry. Getting anxious about not going to the toilet just makes my constipation worse. Luckily I had my Laxido sachets with me, so I could take one of them but even so it wasn't helping much. I think this is partly because I wasn't eating as I would normally do at home. We were waking up late morning and having food, but then not eating again till dinner time. Because I still don't really have an appetite, my tummy doesn't rumble to remind me that I'm hungry so I forget to eat. We were having such lovely dinners I didn't even feel hungry when I was waking up, but my friends were really good at always making sure I'd eaten enough and felt ok. During the daytimes I was living off plain chicken Caesar salads which was incredibly boring, but easy for me. When we were out and about during the day times the girls would check in I was ok and prompt me to get some food, so chicken and salad was the easiest thing to get and it didn't taste bad, just ended up being repetitive! Every restaurant that we ate at was so helpful, and before every meal asked if anyone had any allergies or dietary requirements. This was so good for me as I could totally explain what I could and couldn't have and they were more than happy to accommodate.

So after breakfast we explored the Venetian hotel and decided to go on the gondola's outside as it was one of the things we had wanted to do before we left. We went on two boats and had a little ride around while the boat guys sang romantic Italian songs. It was so cute! They had Venice sailor outfits on with little hats, and it really felt like you could be in Italy. Aside from the burning desert sun! It did feel nice to get back in the air con afterwards.

Me and my friend Helen on the Gondola

We had a little mooch around the shops and then it was time for dinner. There was no posh restaurant booked for tonight as we were going to a pool party in the evening instead, so we just had to grab something. Our hotel had lots of restaurants so we went to a tapas in there. I didn't think there would be anything in the tapas I could eat, but our waiter was so helpful he arranged for some plain roast chicken and asparagus to be made for me, which was super yum. I really should have taken some photos of my food to share, but I just ate the food far too quickly to think! After we'd all eaten, we wandered into the shopping mall and began hunting for some dessert. We went into Ben & Jerrys and all got ice creams. As I've said before, I am ok with dairy (touch wood!!) so ice cream is something I can treat myself too but just not too much of it. I had one scoop of chocolate ice cream thinking it would only be small and it was huge!! The portion sizes in America are madness. They did these ice creams in brownie covered wafer cones as well which looked delish! Sadly I couldn't have the wafer cups :( but there was no way I would've been able to eat it! None of us could finish them all off. So with very full bellies, we went back to the hotel to have some chill time before Drai's pool party at night! Evening/afternoon naps were my saviour. There was no way I could've kept going without them.

The biggest ice cream I've ever seen!

Drai's was wicked. It was one of my favourite nights in Vegas. We had been given our own table with Vodka and Champagne so all the girls were loving it. I asked the lady for a bottle of water, which cost me $14 so I can only imagine what the alcohol should have cost ha. The music was hip hop and everyone was enjoying themselves. We made friends with another girl group from Philadelphia who had just turned 21 and were also celebrating so we had some drinks together. My friends were really supportive of me not drinking and still included me and had a laugh with me, they were always asking if I was ok, if I needed anything and if I did want a drink. Because I was having such a good time and a laugh with all the girls, I decided I would have one drink. The girls poured me a glass of champagne and were blowing the bubbles out with a straw and pouring it in and out of other glasses to get rid of the fizziness! Haha. Because I cant have carbonated drinks, we'd come up with the solution to just have it flat. It tasted fine, and went straight to my head. I liked it because I was now on the same level as all my friends and I was really having a proper laugh. One was definitely all I needed though! We partied till 3/4ish then went to bed. It felt so good to take my shoes off and get under the covers. The next day we woke up about 10ish so had had a fairly decent sleep, but as soon as I woke up I could feel my tummy was not right. I had to rush to the toilet as soon as I was up and was praying it wasn't going to continue like this for the whole day. Luckily we just had a day of sunbathing by the pool planned, so I could make sure I was near a toilet but it just wasn't pleasant. I had also been passing blood, and I can only think this was due to the champagne. It must have been too acidic for me. I was scared and worried about what I had done, but the only way I will know what I can and cant have is by trying. So at least now I know champagne is a no-no for me! I'll have to stick to Vodka and water ha.

Me and Autumn at Drai's

Me & Eleanor

The best girls!! 

Swim-dancing

Our last night in Vegas was incredible. After a day of sunbathing, we got all dressed up and went to the Bellagio to watch the fountains before dinner. We saw the fountains going as we pulled up in the taxi, but we'd caught the end of the show. The shows were every 15 minutes though so it didn't matter waiting. We had a good viewing spot and only had to wait 10 minutes. 10 minutes passed and nothing... maybe it was every half hour. Half hour passed and nothing... maybe it was every 45 minutes. 45 minutes passed and nothing... you get the gist! We were all melting it was so hot out, our nicely blow dried hair was not looking so nice. In the end we gave up. We'd seen a bit of it so were satisfied enough.

Final rays in the sunshine

Prime viewing spot at the Bellagio to see the fountains

 

Sweaty girls waiting in the heat to see the fountains

We headed to the Encore hotel for dinner. There's an amazing restaurant in there called Andreas which serves a mix of food from Chinese/Japanese style to steak. Walking in there made me feel like I was in a James Bond film. It was done out so elegantly and had a real stylish feel to it. I've always said I would hate to be proposed to in a restaurant, but this one is an exception. My future hubby would get top marks for proposing to me in Andreas! Haha. I only got the idea of it being nice for a proposal because we had personalised messages written on our chopsticks. The waiters knew we were celebrating our 21st birthdays so had written 'Welcome to Andreas, Happy Birthday Daisy' on our chopsticks (obviously the other girls had their own names!) and it was such a lovely, special touch. We all didn't want to use them and wanted to take them home! It set the night off so nicely and we were all excited for dinner. Again the waiters were so helpful and really accommodated to what I needed. We had edamame beans, rainbow sushi and wagu beef burgers to start (I just didn't have the burgers) which was yum. Then for main I had salmon with egg fried rice and green veg, all which was gluten free and crohns friendly! Everything about the evening was perfect, the food was amazing, and they were playing 80s music which we all loved and were singing along to. It was really good fun, and to top it off, they bought out seven plates with candles while the DJ played Stevie Wonder's 'Happy Birthday' song. The girls had mini cupcakes with happy birthday written on the plates, and I had a scoop of sorbet. It was so thoughtful! We felt like princesses. Then a table next to us sent over a bottle of wine as we were celebrating which was a really sweet touch. After we'd finished up we headed to the club next door to continue the night.

Me, Helen, Eleanor and Emily at Andreas

Super cute personalised chopsticks!

My birthday Sorbet

Rainbow fish sushi yum yum! I was able to have some of this as all that was in it was fish, rice and avacado

My yummy dinner. Salmon with corn and corn puree. I left the corn for safe measure, as had read that it can upset crohns. As I already had the bleeding going on, I thought best not to try something else that could upset me. I had it with green veg instead and it was so nice.

We set our alarms for 09.30am to wake up and pack our cases and check out. I felt so sad and really didn't want to leave. I had had such a good time, an even better time than I'd expected and I couldn't believe it had come to an end. We all had our new Victoria's Secret purchases on to travel home in, so were super cosy (and warm!) - air con was an essential. For the final supper we went to an Italian in our hotel where once again they were so helpful. I had gluten free pasta with pesto and chicken which was so yum. I was feeling rather drained after continuous toilet trips and still passing blood, so having a proper filling meal felt good. I was set up and ready for my journey home. That's the only thing about travelling home, all the waiting. Once you're ready you just want to go! We headed to the airport after lunch and after a bit of shopping, we sat down to wait to board. The wait just got longer and longer as a storm has started as we were due to board. Thunder, lightening, the whole works. Luckily, we were only delayed two hours and once we were on board they were pretty quick with serving our dinners. I had ordered a gluten free meal so had chicken breast with rice and veg which was perfect for me. After eating that, I took two Nytol tablets and plugged into Pzizz. Luckily I slept for the majority of the flight which I needed as I was heading into the office on the Friday. You may all think I'm mental, but it ended up being the best thing for me to get over the jet lag. By going into work I stayed up for the whole day, then slept most of the night. Friday's at work are always quiet anyway, and it was my boss' birthday so I wanted to give her a card and bottle of vod!

Eye masks for the flight home!

After what felt like an eternity I was finally at home in bed!! I was well and truly shattered. It was only 10pm, but I had to be up early on the Saturday for a blood test. A little reminder to myself after an amazing week away, that I still had Crohns. But it's ok, I can deal with it. I'm the one in control, and am feeling more positive now than ever.

XOXO Crohnie Girl

Non Stop Party

Day 5 in Vegas and I am struggling major!  7am bedtimes and 11am wake ups are taking their toll, but there's only two nights left and I know I'll be gutted when I'm home and back to normality.

 

These past five days have been totally amazing. I can't believe how much I've done and seen in such a short time. Vegas really is 24/7!! As soon as we got here we started with the Encore pool party in the evening which was wicked. I couldn't get my head around wearing a swimsuit on a night out, but it was actually really fun - not that I went in the water! We also gambled on our first night in the Encore casino which was fun, we finished up about $100 up so that was a good end to the night. I just find it so mad that there are no windows in the casino so you can't tell what time it is. By the time we'd got to bed, we'd been up for well over 36 hours!! I only managed to sleep in till 11 the next day, I think it's because I was so excited to get out. We ordered room service for breakfast which was a lovely treat. I went for a lovely fruit salad which was perfect for me! It was huge so of course I couldn't eat it all, but it suited me as there were some bits I couldn't eat like strawberries and dragon fruit (seeds are a no no) so because there was a lot of food I could fill up on what I could eat like the pineapple and melon. After eating we got dressed and ready for another pool party! 

 

 

 

Day 2 was the pool party at Wet Republic! This was in the MGM Hotel which is ginormous, it took so long to just walk through the hotel to get to the pool. I'd made sure I took a bottle of water out with me for the journey, which was a good idea because it was such a long walk! When we got to the pool I could hear banging music and see bodies everywhere, It looked like so much fun. Straight away us girls went to the bar to get drinks. I had decided I wouldn't drink any alcohol, just because I didn't want to feel unwell and have it spoil my time. 

We were in our own little pool for the day having cocktails (Fiji for me!) and dancing in the sun. It was so cool I absolutely loved it. I was totally fine having water, and still managed to have a good time. I think Vegas is such a buzzy place that you enjoy it whatever, you don't have to be drunk. 

 

We had a fairly quick turn around after the pool party as then had dinner booked at Tao for the evening. I had emailed them before and told them about my Crohns and what I could/couldn't eat so I was really looking forward to eating there and having a yummy dinner. When we got to the table our waiter asked me about what I could have and he helped me with the menu to pick something that suited me. I had yellow tail sashimi to start which was incredible!! It has got to be one of my favourite foods! Then for mains I had chicken with vegetable fried rice which was lovely also. I left feeling nicely full up, but also very tired. We had planned to go to XS which is a night club, and I really wanted to go and see it, but I had to admit defeat and go to bed. I didn't want to push myself too hard and ruin myself for the rest of the holiday. It did feel good to get into bed by 12! 

 

I didn't end up having a very good nights sleep as my friend didn't feel very well so I was worried about her. I woke up in the morning with pains in my usual place (lower right side) and put this down to anxiety as I had felt anxious sleeping. I didn't want to psych myself out and think it was the food that caused me pain as I knew that would then put me off eating. The food I had was all completely safe for me so I was certain it was only the anxiety. I made sure I took all my tablets and still had my aloe shot to help, we also had a chilled out morning which was nice. We went to the buffet in our hotel for breakfast which was good as I could pick what to have. I decided on a plain omelette and fruit salad, I also had a green tea. This was a good breakfast as it filled me up nicely and set me up for the day! We were then off to another pool party at Encore, but this time in the day. It was similar to the other one we had been too, with hundreds of people there and there was such a buzz. The loud music and atmosphere gets you going! I had an amazing time and spent the whole day drinking water again. We were up on the big sunbed jumping around, dancing to the music and having a proper laugh. I enjoyed myself so much and was truly glad I was well enough to come and have fun. 

 

 

 

We had another nice dinner booked for this evening at Hakkasan which I was so looking forward to. Similar to the other restaurant, I had spoken to them before to tell them about my dietary requirements so I knew I'd be able to have something nice. I had sole which was so yummy, with some rice, and some greens. I really should've took a photo to share with you but I was so excited about it I ate too quickly ha. The meal was so lovely, and we'd been sat in a private room as well which was nice. I just drank water with my dinner, and finished with a peppermint tea. I did this because we were going straight to a club afterwards and I find mint tea settles my stomach so I was setting myself up for the evening. 

 

 

The club is linked to the restaurant so we walked straight through. Tiesto was performing there so it was really busy. We were lucky we had a table in a roped off area so had a nice amount of room to dance around. Again the atmosphere was amazing, and when Tiesto came on everyone went mad. I couldn't actually believe I was having such a good time drinking only water. I've always been a party girl and loved a drink with my friends, but I was still having the best time with no alcohol involved. My friends laughed that I was the last one standing as all their feet hurt! I was just buzzing off the atmosphere and having the best time. The night ended with a walk home along the strip (bare feet!) and we got into bed around 04.30am. An early night compared to the 6am finish on night one! 

 

 

I felt tired waking up Sunday morning! But we were going to a pool party in our hotel so it wasn't bad as I could spend a while in bed before getting ready. We headed to the pool and got some food and drinks in the sun. I had a plain Caesar salad, which was very boring but at least I knew I was safe with that. It was really hot out so I had to make sure I kept drinking water. I was constantly sipping to make sure I stayed hydrated! We finished up there around 5ish, and headed back to our rooms for a nap before dinner. We had booked STK which is an amazing steak restaurant. I absolutely love steak, but it is now one of the foods I can't eat. I still knew I could eat something nice at the restaurant though, because I have been before the the one in London. I went for a chicken breast dish with greens and some mash. It was all cooked perfectly so was really yum. The bill was just a bit steep as it ended up $100 for a chicken breast and ice water! As much as I'd have loved steak, I was glad I had chicken as it meant I didn't feel too heavy for when we headed to the club - Omnia. 

Omnia was amazing. The best club I have ever been too. It was absolutely huge with so much going on! Martin Garrix was playing there and he was wicked, he got everyone going and created such a good fun atmosphere. I was up on the table with my girlfriends dancing all night. I was really enjoying myself and decided to have one drink. I had a single vodka measure with water. I thought the water would be good to keep me hydrated, and as I'd had a good dinner my stomach would cope ok with the alcohol. One drink was all it took to make me drunk! How embarrassing! I felt it straight away and was super giggly with my friends. My one drink kept me going till 7am. As much as I knew I'd be tired in the morning, watching the sun come up over Sin City with my friends was amazing and a memory I will always have. 

 

Monday was not a good day!!! I woke up at 11am after a rubbish four hours sleep, grumpy, tired and in pain. I knew I had pushed myself too far, I needed a chilled out day. We'd decided we were going to shop and stay out of the sun which I was more than happy with. Retail therapy will sort anything! Before we started shopping we had some lunch in the Cheesecake Factory which I love, but I wasn't able to eat any cheesecake so I knew this meant I felt bad. Again I had another plain chicken salad. I couldn't finish it all, but knew eating would make me feel better and give me more energy so I ate as much as I could. We then went to the shops and got all the bits we wanted. The shopping centres are so lovely, everything in Vegas is an experience. Tonight we were only having an early dinner as we were then going to see the Chippendales, so decided to go to the buffet. All afternoon I'd felt poorly, still in pain and still not well, but at the buffet I felt really bad. I thought I was going to be sick and the thought of food really made me feel bad. I said I didn't want to eat, so just followed the girls around the canteen. As I was walking, I could see everything going blurry and far away from me and knew I was going to faint. This then made me start to panic. I could feel my heart hammering in my chest so I grabbed my friend next to me and told her how I felt. She was so good and really helped me to stay calm and sat me down. I was so embarrassed as I'd dropped my water on the floor so people were looking, but that couldn't be helped. After she'd calmed me down she helped me back up, and I picked some foods I could eat as I needed energy. I think with being tired, not eating large amounts and being full on 24/7 had not been good. I needed some food and rest to recoup. 

The Chippendales started at 8.30pm so it was earlier than most of our nights. This meant I could have an earlier night sleep - woo! The show was so funny and all of us really enjoyed it. It was a proper good laugh, and really cheered me up! 

 

 

 

So this morning I woke up at 9am after an 8 hour sleep and felt reborn!! It was just what I needed. I feel recharged and ready to enjoy my last couple of days. I want to be sure to make the most of it because I know I'll be sad when I'm home. Today will be a nice chilled day in the sun, then Drais pool party in the night. Let's do this!!

 

XOXO Crohnie Girl