Wednesday. Hump day! The start of the downward slope towards the weekend meaning high spirits all around.... But not for me. I haven't written anything the last few days and it's just because I've felt like I've been in a permanent bad mood that I just can't shake off. I'm hoping getting my feelings out and writing things down will make me feel better.
As I write this it is absolutely pouring down outside!! A complete contrast to the beautiful weather we had on Saturday. It wasn't rain drops on the window I woke up to, it was stunning sunshine beaming through the blinds. What a glorious Saturday morning! As I woke up, I thought about how I would spend my time on this lovely day, then I remembered it was V festival ...and I wasn't going... Immediately I wanted to get under the covers and sulk. I picked up my phone and saw notifications from my girls group chat; they were all getting excited and planning their arrangements for the festival. I felt so jealous and upset that I wasn't going. I desperately didn't want to miss out. I wanted to be involved and having fun and enjoying myself in the sun. But in honesty, I wasn't up to it at all. Aside from feeling poorly and having tummy pains, in the state I was in, V Festival would have been a nightmare for me. I would have had to pack a suitcase to carry around with me for the day and I don't think I would be allowed in with that! My pills would get questioned, I wouldn't be able to take water in (they'd think it was Vodka!) and I wouldn't be able to take any food in. In previous years I hadn't even thought about food, but now that I am so restricted with what I eat, there would have been nothing in there I would have been able to purchase and eat. So realistically, it was a bad idea to go. Plus there is the toilet issue. The constant queue's would not have been helpful! Then the state's they are left in would have been far from pleasant. So I told myself it didn't matter that I wasn't going, I wasn't missing out and I was still going to have a lovely sunny Saturday.
As I still wasn't feeling 100%, I didn't want to do anything strenuous so decided I would go for a leisurely swim with my mum and sister. I hadn't been swimming for a while so felt like I missed it! I really enjoyed it and felt nice and refreshed afterwards. The perfect way to cool down in the heat! After swimming, my sister and I popped to see my cousins. My cousin has recently had a beautiful baby girl Amelia Rose so it's always lovely seeing her. She was enjoying cooling off in the paddling pool, little cutie!
Amelia Rose, me and my sister Ellie
After my lovely morning I felt in a bit of a slump again... My sister was seeing her boyfriend, my mum and dad at a BBQ, my boyfriend playing golf and my friends were at V Festival. Even my friend Demi couldn't come to the rescue because she works Saturdays! Rubbish! So I was sat at home all on my own.. My sister had even took Buffy out with her so I couldn't cuddle her whilst listening to 'Akon - Lonely' and feeling sorry for myself. With no better ideas, I sat on the sofa and sulked. I knew I should've been positive and made myself go do something but I had the hump and I just couldn't get rid of it. I was taking it out on my boyfriend and sending blunt messages whilst he was playing golf (I hate golf) and I knew this wasn't fair to him, but it wasn't fair to me that I was sat at home whilst everyone was out doing things... Crohns isn't fair :(
I was texting my mum and she could tell from a mile off what was wrong, and gave me a little pep talk to sort me out. What was the point of dragging out my bad mood? I had to shake it off and save the day by still having a nice evening, so that's exactly what I did. My boyfriend came round for me and we met with my friend Demi and her boyfriend Louis and headed out for dinner. As it was such a lovely evening, we decided to have dinner by the sea and booked the Boatyard in Leigh on Sea. The setting was beautiful, and the fishy menu suited me perfectly. I never used to be a 'tryer', but now that I can only eat restricted things, I try to try different things as often as I can. I ordered black sea bream - I have never had it before - which came with rice and veggies. It was of course plain, but still yummy. I enjoyed my dinner a lot, but decided it's not one of my favourite fish. My favourite has got to be monkfish!! After dinner, we headed to Rossi's to get an ice cream and then head home. It really was the perfect evening to make my day. The whole time we were out I didn't think twice about V! Maybe my FOMO has been cured?!
We had a table by the window with this beautiful view
I had a lovely lie in on Sunday, and because the weather was so rubbish, I did not a lot other than stay indoors. Apart from getting a DVD to watch and visiting my boyfriends Nan, I did nothing other than watch rubbish on the telly and chill out. It was so needed!! When it is raining out, my ideal day is to be indoors in comfy clothes all snug watching TV. It is such a shame this can't be done on a week day, as days like this are needed to be spent in doors! I find this miserable weather so depressing, and think it has a knock on affect to how I'm feeling. On Monday, I decided I was going to have a super early night and that I did. I got in from work and ran the bath whilst I heated my dinner. Dinner was so lovely! Cod with pesto sauce, jacket potato with carrots and runner beans. YUM! I really enjoyed it, which is so lovely for me to still be able to enjoy food. After eating I hopped straight into the hot bath and completely chilled out. I stayed in the bath for a while, just because it was so lovely hearing the rain outside but being so warm and relaxed at the same time. Once my fingers had turned completely pruney, I jumped out and dried myself then slipped on my silk PJs - a necessity! I was in bed by 9, and had a 9 hour sleep which meant I woke up on Tuesday feeling good and ready to face another rainy day! Tuesday was much like Monday, rain rain and more rain... But there was something in the office to brighten the day... SWEETS! A colleague had bought sweets at the airport from their holiday for the team to enjoy. They were screaming at me like a spoilt child 'Eat me eat me eat me' how could I say no?! I knew the sweets would upset me so said to myself I would only have a few... that didn't happen! I kept getting up and helping myself to more, they were too good not too. But not long after eating them, my 'symptoms' became apparent and more frequent. With not feeling well anyway, I really shouldn't have eaten them. But I felt like I wanted to, I wanted to cheer myself up and part of me though eff it, I feel rubbish anyway I might as well have some sweets. I wished I hadn't had any, but you live and you learn!! I just drank lots and lots of water to help me.
Can't beat a bubble bath!
Makes my belly rumble just looking at it!
Like I say, I always try my best to be positive but this morning I woke up and just felt like saying NO. I had had a rubbish sleep, which isn't unordinary for me, but I had actually woken up feeling unwell. My throat was sore, my tummy was sore, my face and eyes were puffy and I just felt crap. I started crying in bed knowing that I had to get up and get ready and face the day. I think sometimes the most tiring thing is pretending that you're ok? I know people understand when you're not feeling well, but to many people illness is very boring. Often people ask me 'Are you all better now?'... No, unfortunately I'm not. Crohns isn't like your average cough or cold you know, it's permanent. Lately I've really been struggling with that. I just want to feel better. I want to take a magic pill and be back to myself, but sadly it's not that easy. Because I have been feeling so bad lately, my IBD nurse asked me to do two stool samples which were sent off on Friday, but take a week for the results. This is SO frustrating as pretty much nothing can be done until we know what's going on. As I felt particularly bad this morning, I emailed the nurse again explaining about my temperature, pains and swollen face. She advised me to urgently book an appointment with my GP as it sounds like Glandular Fever. Great. Fantastic. Cherry on top of the god awful cake! So now I have the joy of calling my doctors and speaking to the most unhelpful, rude receptionists on the planet and attempt to book an appointment for today not 4 weeks time as they would like to make me wait.
Happy effing Wednesday.
XOXO Crohnie Girl
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