So this morning I had my very first therapy session. When I got diagnosed with Crohns, the IBD nurses recommended seeing a therapist or counsellor so I had someone to talk to and process how I was feeling. I tried to get a contact but it was quite difficult, anyone I spoke to told me to go through my GP. I did go through my GP but there was a 4 month waiting list! At first I was happy to wait, but as things got worse and I started feeling really down, my mum thought it best for me to see someone sooner. My mums friend recommended me to a lady in Brentwood, so I plucked up the courage and booked an appointment.
Last night I really didn't want to meet with the therapist. I sat watching the Great British Bake Off making up every excuse in my head as to why I couldn't go. The thought of speaking to someone about how I truly felt made me feel anxious and stressed. I didn't want to explain myself or let someone know how I was really feeling. I didn't want people to think I was strange, or weird or dramatic for thinking and feeling the things I did. The main thing I was worried about was being judged, and I'm silly for thinking this as therapists all follow a strict confidentially policy and are probably the most non-judgmental type of people, but I just couldn't help the way I was feeling. I feel like this a lot of the time lately; like I cant control my feelings. I cant seem to get a grasp on my emotions or connect with them, so this was a clear sign that speaking with someone was a good idea. I tried to snap out of how I was feeling, and took myself to bed to relax and instead of push back from speaking about my feelings, try to accept that this was going to be good for me.
My alarm went off at 06.30am, but I was already awake. I felt like I had been awake most of the night, my mind racing and feeling anxious. I got ready quickly and headed to the meeting in Brentwood which was scheduled for 07.30am. I booked it early so I avoided having to have time off work. With all my doctors appointments and what not, it's really difficult to book them around work and I always feel so bad having time off. So when I can, I book around my working hours. It was great that the therapist could work to suit me as well.
I felt really apprehensive as I walked up to the door, I was thinking in my head that I could quickly turn back and run away, but then a kind face met me as the door opened. I smiled back at her and had no choice but to head in. I have never had a therapy session before so didn't really know the protocol. The only stuff about therapy I knew was what I had watched on Keeping up with The Kardashian's, when they visited their various therapists! The lady invited me to take a seat and then handed me a contract to read over, which was fairly straight forward and stated the confidentiality policy and I was happy with it so signed. We then ran through some personal details - name, address, etc - then she handed over to me to get started. All fell silent as I didn't have a clue where to start... She encouraged me to speak, just starting wherever I wanted and not to worry if it came out muddled up. I liked her. She made me feel at ease. I could feel my tummy unwinding and untwisting from where I'd worked myself up so much. I decided to start from the beginning, in 2012 with my first hospital stay and went on from there.
Throughout the session there were many tears! I think I practically used up the ladies whole tissue box. It felt good to speak about things, and letting my thoughts out was almost a release. It felt like she'd managed to turn the tap on and let everything out of me. It was strange how I could tell so much to someone I had only just met, but it was so much easier than talking to someone I knew. When I try to explain how I feel to my friends and family, I feel bad. I feel like I'm giving them extra worry and stress on top of everything else. I don't want to burden them with my dark thoughts, and I think part of me used to think if I didn't say them they would go away, but they don't. Holding things in 100% makes it worse. You work yourself up, and make any thought or situation in your head bigger. When I was feeling really down and like I couldn't say anything or tell anyone, I felt like I was drowning. Drowning in my own dark thoughts. I was trying to tread water. Trying to get up for air but I couldn't. Everything in my head was bringing me back down, dragging me to the bottom. But after my first therapy session I feel like I am swimming. My head is above water, I can see things clearer now, but I'm not quite at the finish line. One session hasn't 'cured' me, but it has definitely helped. She said I had to work a lot by myself, as well as in my sessions with her. She set me some 'homework' shall we say! I have to look at myself in the mirror for five minutes and write down what I think about myself... This is going to be hard. Since diagnosis, I feel like I hate myself. I hate my body for doing what it's doing to me, and hate myself for what I am doing to my family. My therapist (how very LA of me!) wants to know how I see myself, as it seems that I am too hard on myself. She said I need to not punish myself so much, and learn to cut myself some slack. If I'm having a day where I feel sorry for myself, I'm allowed that and I shouldn't feel bad for having those days. My second piece of homework is to work on breathing from my diaphragm and use deep breathing as a method of relaxation. Stress isn't good for anyone, especially Crohn's sufferers so I know how important relaxing is. I just find it so hard!!! But I am determined to try this. I feel booking a nice spa day will help too :)
Once I was on the train and on the way to work I took a big deep breath and felt relief. I had done the hardest part, and things were only going to get easier now.
XOXO Crohnie Girl
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