I know you didn't sign up for this. I convince myself you'd be better off without me. You could find someone else. Someone who wouldn't make you stay in on a Saturday night. Someone who could go out and get drunk with you till the early hours of the morning and not feel tired or need to go home. Someone who wouldn't moan about their tummy hurting, or cry all the time. Someone who wouldn't tie you down, holding you back from getting on with your life. Someone who you could have fun with and be spontaneous. Someone who could make you happier... I know that you love me, and I love you too, but I think wanting you for myself is selfish. At 22 you shouldn't have to deal with the things you do. Your life should be carefree. Not centred around your sick girlfriend and her hospital appointments.
Often I think like this. I loose myself in these thoughts, and make up conclusions and endings that are a million miles off. My brain races ahead of me. It literally has a mind of it's own. I could think myself into darkness. Those dark moments really are quite dark. Painful and frustrating. Often I don't feel like a fighter. I feel weak and angry. I'm afraid of my own body. I hate my own body. I just want to cry and shut myself away.
I don't want any sympathy, and I promise I try my best not to cry. Sometimes I just have to give in, I can't help it. And often there is nothing you can do to help. You'll see me in pain and I know you want to fix it. I can see you just want to take it from me - to get rid of my pain. But you cant. You will not be able to fix it and never will. You cannot fix my broken body.
But what you can do is hold me. Brush your fingers through my hair. Cuddle me so tight that I can almost forget the pain. Make me laugh as you always do. You have a magic ability to make me smile even when I'm feeling terrible. You're like my own magic medicine. I know how lucky I am to have you, even if I don't always show it. I know sometimes I am moody towards you. I get the hump when you're out having fun, but that's only because I want to be having fun with you. I'm jealous that you can go out and enjoy yourself and do what you want. I'm jealous that you can have fun with other people that can do the things you enjoy and the things you want to do. It makes me think you have a better time with them. It makes me think that times with me are boring :( .. But you handle my mood swings so well. Rarely do you retaliate back, and I know this is because you understand me. You know I don't mean it, you know that I just feel lonely, and often that's the hardest part about my disease. It's not just about the pain, the endless time in the bathroom, the desire to hide my illness from everyone. The anxiety and the shame. The frequent need to turn down social outings or fun evenings at a restaurant because I just cant handle it. I feel so alone from it all. That's harder than the pain and the worry. Not being able to explain to people because nobody can understand it. But you accept it, and you accept me. You still love me for all that I am and all that I have, and I am so truly lucky.
I never know how the day is going to go when I wake up in the morning. Whether it's going to be a good day or a bad day. I can't plan ahead or anticipate how the day will turn out. That's why I know I have to make the most of each minute. I've already seen myself in my darker moments, and know the importance of appreciating the thrill of living. The thrill of experiencing the world. The thrill of falling in love with you. I will love you fiercely. I will laugh with you always. I will appreciate you and forever be grateful for you. I love loving you. You make me so happy, but there will be some ugly times... I will go through a lot of ups and downs and there will be lots of fear and uncertainties. It's an on-going disease. An on-going fight. I know I can be strong, but sometimes this disease will suck the strength out of me and I'll have moments of fragility when I will need you more than ever. I won't need you to fix me or take care of my problems, I will just need you to be there. Be there in both the beautiful and ugly moments reminding me how wonderful it is to be alive and not alone. Because when you're with me, it helps me to believe that tomorrow will be a beautiful day. That's all I need.
Your Daisy May xxx
My wife has chrones and has been dealing with it for 15 years. She is now 30. I love her so much. There is nothing I wouldn't do for her, I wish I could take all the pain away from her and soak it up myself but I can't and I hold little hope that I ever will, maybe in years to come will will find something. We have spent the last couple of years flying all over the country trying different medications, meeting different doctors and specialists but to no prevail. We have been married now nearly 2 years and although it is hard for her and it is tough! ( I won't lie to you, having to watch the person I love more than anything in the world constantly in pain, and I can't help is extremely tough, and yes it's tough on me , I will never leave her side, I will always be there, no matter) I love her.
ReplyDeleteMood swings are always a strain on every relationship but that is something I CAN soak up! It's not her fault and I will never hold it against her.
Don't be afraid, don't hold back. If someone doesn't understand, help them understand. I was unaware of chrones itself let alone the pain and mental issues that come with it. That makes absolutely no difference to me because I love her!
My wife is one of the strongest people I know, although she hides it very, very well. Without her i would be lost. So lost, she is actually my rock!
Till death do us part.
Take care daisy and all the best x