Straying from Sertraline

Like I said in the previous post, it is mad what can happen in 12 months. I am in a totally different place now to what I was even 8 months ago. Being diagnosed with a chronic illness at the age of 21 really did take it's toll on me, but with the help of medication, therapy and a strong support network I feel in a much more stable place now. So I am taking the plunge to come off of anti-depressants...

I've been on Sertraline since October, after being in a really dark place. I felt desperate and in need of help whatever way I could get it, so I agreed to go on the anti depressant drug. At the time I didn't think much of it, I think I was in a state of no emotion. I felt so low and to be honest, like nothing would work for me. I had already given up, I didn't have the energy to fight anymore. It was my doctor and family that pushed me to try them, along with therapy, and I just did it to please them. I didn't have any faith in anything working, but for the sake of my family I was giving it a go. If I'm honest I had noticed the warning signals and sometimes the way I felt and things I thought scared me. The low self worth I had... I wanted to hole myself indoors and not speak to anyone. Even the thought of bumping into someone as I walked down the road filled me with fear, dread and anxiety. I knew the longer I'd left it to leave the house, the worse the anxiety would get, but I just couldn't face it. I didn't want to hear the 'how are you?' 'you look well' 'you're a strong girl' comments from people, because I didn't feel well or strong and frankly I was sick of talking about my Crohns. But people aren't mind readers, they don't know what to say, so I know it's as hard for the people around you to know what to do as it is as hard for you. I heard a MIND advert on the radio a while ago, and it was advising people to just 'be there' for mental health sufferers, and that's all I wanted. Not someone to talk to, or go out with, distract me, but just someone to be there to help me not feel so alone. Depression is a very isolating illness, and I don't think you could describe the feeling, you would have to go through it to understand. I believe I was pretty ignorant before suffering, and when I heard about people being depressed I'd think, 'how can they be depressed?? They just bought a new car!' But I was so far off the mark, I didn't even understand until I developed it myself. The irrational thoughts totally take over your brain, and it slowly wears you down and down until you're not even you anymore. You're someone you don't even recognise yourself, and that just makes you feel worse. It is a feeling of drowning; you're struggling so much to keep afloat, but it feels so easy to just give up.

I'd say I noticed a change around December/Christmas time. I had started to go back into work for a few days a week, and I didn't have such anxiety about leaving the house. The first time I obviously did, but I realised it wasn't so bad. It was actually nice to see the faces I had missed, and speak verbally to people face to face. I started to see a glimmer of hope that I could get back to 'normal'. I really don't think I could have got to a happy place without Sertraline, but I did use other tools to help. I saw my therapist weekly and at first I hated going, I would cry before I went in, with my dad forcing me to go through the doctor's door, but when I saw the positive impact it had had, and how it was helping me, I started enjoying going. It was my hour a week I could rant to a stranger and have a moan up without getting a retort or being judged. Like I said, my support network massively helped and I think that my boyfriend buying me a puppy played a major part in my recovery! I don't think anyone could be sad with a cute puppy around. Even though she was sooo naughty, she was the perfect distraction. And I loved it that when people came over to my house, they just fussed over her and it wasn't my crohns being the main event anymore. It didn't feel so much like it was ruling my life, but that maybe I could rule it.

I've now been on the drugs for 9 months and although they have massively helped me, I am keen to get off of them. I feel in a place now where I am more stable emotionally and am also aware of the trigger signs, should I feel I am slipping back into a depressed state. Whilst speaking with my doctor, we decided I could come off of the tablets gradually and reduce the dosage slowly so as to avoid any withdrawal symptoms. The main thing that Sertraline does is to increase the serotonin levels in your brain. Serotonin is a chemical in the brain that regulates mood, learning, sleep, sexuality and appetite. So it is a pretty hard core drug! With it affecting the chemical that controls so many things in the brain, there is a risk of side affects and whilst being on sertraline I have noticed I have put on 10lbs. I found this pretty bizarre, as given my clean diet and regular exercising I couldn't work out where the weight had come from. When speaking to my doctor about this, she said that a side affect of Sertraline is weight gain, and the reason I have only put on 10lb is because I eat well and am active. So now I am in a better place mentally, I am keen to get off the tablets. But I am aware of the side affects and withdrawal symptoms... to combat this, I have decided to up my exercise. Exercise is a natural way to generate and increase serotonin in the brain. So I'm hoping that if I keep on top of my exercise routine, I can slowly come off of sertraline without noticing to much change. I'm not saying I will be lifting heavy weights and sprinting every day, but just trying to do something to get my heart rate going. I am a big fan of dog walks, and enjoy getting fresh air (when the UK weather allows it!) and it is nice to be outside noticing the sounds and sights as you walk around. If it rains there is always yoga classes, spin classes or indoor swimming.

Even though I am nervous and scared at what could happen to me when I am off the Sertraline tablets, I am trying to take each day as it comes. I wanted to write this post to encourage and reassure people that feel reliant on antidepressants that there are other ways to combat your feelings of depression and anxiety. And if coming off of them doesn't feel good for you, then stay on the tablets. There is no shame in that. Even if you try to come off and it doesn't work, go back on them and try again at a later date. Never be ashamed of needing a little help, and remember - everyone loves a tryer!

XOXO Crohnie Girl