It still feels crazy to me saying it, but I am pregnant!! I can't even begin to explain how I feel... it's a total mixture of excitement, anxiety and disbelief. Given my health and situation, I didn't even know it would be a possibility for me to fall pregnant and I know it is probably a concern of many other IBD sufferers, so I felt it important to share.
I can remember right back to the beginning of my Crohns journey, there always being a big question mark over my gynaecological health. Due to the ongoing pain I was experiencing, the doctors could never be sure to rule out any ovarian problems. I had countless tests for endometriosis, laparoscopies, ultra sounds, STI tests, smear tests, blood tests; everything. I was also put on many different contraceptive pills to try and ease the pain and symptoms I was experiencing, only to find out after my Crohns diagnosis that the pill doesn't work for me as I can't absorb it. This made me question my fertility as I had effectively been on no contraception... A few times I had had loose fluid on my pelvis, which they couldn't determine where it had come from, whether it was a burst cyst or nothing to worry about, it always seemed to come back inconclusive. In all of my doctors appointments, it felt like there was this big elephant in the room. I was too afraid to ask questions, because I just felt better not knowing. I could kid myself into thinking it would be fine should I want children. Something I have always been sure of in my life is that I see children in my future, and the one thing I have always wanted to be is a mother. So the possibility of this not coming true, didn't bare thinking about.
After receiving my diagnosis of Crohns Disease and starting up all these strong medications, it felt like the ability of one day becoming a mother drifted further away, and I found it quite hard to get my head around at the age of 21. Again, I just pushed it to the back of my mind. I didn't speak to anyone about my concerns at the time, not my mum, not my boyfriend, I just pretended I wasn't bothered and could kid myself into thinking it would be fine. My mum has recently told me, that one day when I was in the hospital in absolute agony, the doctors assuming I had Pelvic Inflammatory Disease, her heart was breaking for me thinking I could never have children and thinking how could she help, her and my sister had decided she could be a surrogate for me which makes me feel so emotional now to think she could be that selfless. I had no idea at the time my mum had these concerns, she obviously didn't want to worry me either. She was also pretending it wasn't an issue and everything would be fine.
In the years after my initial diagnosis, I've been on intensive steroid courses countless times, I've been on azathioprine the whole time (a drug previously used as a type of chemotherapy) and so poorly at times, the idea of ever starting a family seemed near enough impossible. I remember in one of my check ups with the consultant her saying to me "you should have children now if you want them, now is the best time while you are young". Although she was saying it in a nice way, it made me feel like she too believed it could be a struggle for me, if not impossible left too late. But I was 21/22 and not ready, and feeling so poorly I couldn't even look after myself let alone a baby. What good would I bring to a baby? All my worries and concerns were just stirred round and I felt so unsure about it. Again, I pushed it to the back of my mind.
Last year, I moved in with my boyfriend of 5 years and it felt like a big step in our relationship. Everyone around us seemed to be getting engaged, starting families and I just hoped deep down that one day it would be possible for us. I tried not to give too much thought to it, as it would just end up in me being upset and stressed - which we all know isn't good for Crohns! So I just enjoyed what was going on in my life at the time and lived in the moment. We had a lovely home, and were looking forward to nice holidays with friends and making memories. We hosted our first Christmas at home which was so much fun and a success and I felt truly content. Then not long after Christmas I missed my period... initially I wasn't too concerned, I did pregnancy tests all the time at the doctors and was always checked in my regular blood tests etc so I didn't think much of it. I had a cheap test in the basket in the bathroom so decided to take it just to rule it out. Not even thinking it was a possibility, a faint pink line appeared.. (my heart is racing writing about it now!) I was confused.. what did this mean? surely it's not right, it's only a £1 cheapy test, it must be wrong, it's too faint to be positive, nope not pregnant. But what if I was .... omg I'm not ready, I'm too scared, what will my boyfriend say, I feel faint. All these thoughts were going round my head and I felt SO panicked. I got up, and went down the stairs, plucking up the courage to tell my boyfriend what I had just done. My whole body was vibrating I was so nervous! "Morning babe, you alright?"... my reply was unheard through sobs of tears! He was comforting me saying "it's OK don't worry we can sort it", but he wasn't understanding what I was saying... "I think I might be pregnant" I managed to get out through stifled sobs. To then his reaction changed, he initially thought I'd said "I've sh*t myself" ... LOL!!! Well I had, but not literally!! He immediately was so excited, so so happy and elated which made me feel reassured although still scared. He had had concerns as well that it would never happen for us, so I think although scared and in a state of shock, it was just such a relief to know it was possible for me to get pregnant. The whole day was a bit of a blur in honesty, I just couldn't get my head around it. I really couldn't believe it. I didn't feel like I could be excited yet, I just still felt so scared. I did three more tests in the next days all coming back positive... so then we were certain, yep we are doing this.
First off I called my doctor and my consultant, I was so worried about all the medication and if it would harm the baby and what I needed to do. I was told to stay on everything, although one got changed to a lower dose. I was told that I might have to come off of the azathioprine in the last trimester as it could affect the baby's immune system but other than that it was more beneficial to stay on them, than come off and risk a flare. For the following weeks I felt like I was in this little bubble, I was so conscious of being careful and doing everything right. First off I didn't feel too bad, fatigue is one of the main symptoms of Crohns anyway, I was used to that! Around week 6 things really amped up... I was spending every lunch break in the medical room because I was so exhausted, I would come home from work and fall asleep on the sofa, and then the sickness... oh my the sickness. When people say 'Morning Sickness' you'd think you just feel a bit sick in the morning, my god it is so much more than that! 24/7 for 6 solid weeks I felt nauseous. Even at 11pm lying in bed trying to sleep I would have to run to the toilet. I tried everything to help, ginger tea, ginger biscuits and I can't really say any of it made a difference. I could hardly eat anything, even putting my toothbrush in my mouth made me gag. Being so tired and feeling so ill, then resulted in an appearance of my Crohns symptoms and I started passing blood. This made me SO worried as you can imagine, but following doctors advice, I just upped my fluid intake and rested. I really didn't want to go down the steroid route, as I was worried about it harming the baby so I took a couple of days off work to relax and catch up on sleep and that really did me good and the symptoms began to ease. From being so ill I had lost about 6lbs, which was just making me feel weaker. I bought some travel sickness bands which really were a turning point. Although the sickness didn't completely go, it dramatically improved and I was able to eat more. Jacket potatoes were my go to!
During the first few weeks I was just relaxing and taking it easy, although we did have a ski trip booked! I didn't ski, but it was actually really nice to get away and relax and enjoy some time together. We had our first midwife appointment just before we went away, which was really exciting and made everything really feel real. We began to fill in our antenatal book and got given a due date and future appointments. The next appointment was our '12 week scan' which was just simply amazing. The first 12 weeks you don't have much to go by other than how you feel, so even though the sickness and nausea was horrible, it was reassuring. I felt nervous driving to the 12 week scan and just hoping that everything was alright. When the sonographer switched on the screen and we saw our little baby it really was unbelievable. To see this little tiny human that was right inside my tummy was completely astounding. To see it moving its arms and legs, its heart beating, it turning around in my tummy.. I just can't even describe how I felt. All the concerns I once had just completely disappeared. This baby was mine, in my tummy, it was real. It was magic. We felt completely over the moon elated and knowing that everything was OK and the baby was healthy, we couldn't wait to tell our friends and family.
XOXO Crohnie Girl
