Straying from Sertraline

Like I said in the previous post, it is mad what can happen in 12 months. I am in a totally different place now to what I was even 8 months ago. Being diagnosed with a chronic illness at the age of 21 really did take it's toll on me, but with the help of medication, therapy and a strong support network I feel in a much more stable place now. So I am taking the plunge to come off of anti-depressants...

I've been on Sertraline since October, after being in a really dark place. I felt desperate and in need of help whatever way I could get it, so I agreed to go on the anti depressant drug. At the time I didn't think much of it, I think I was in a state of no emotion. I felt so low and to be honest, like nothing would work for me. I had already given up, I didn't have the energy to fight anymore. It was my doctor and family that pushed me to try them, along with therapy, and I just did it to please them. I didn't have any faith in anything working, but for the sake of my family I was giving it a go. If I'm honest I had noticed the warning signals and sometimes the way I felt and things I thought scared me. The low self worth I had... I wanted to hole myself indoors and not speak to anyone. Even the thought of bumping into someone as I walked down the road filled me with fear, dread and anxiety. I knew the longer I'd left it to leave the house, the worse the anxiety would get, but I just couldn't face it. I didn't want to hear the 'how are you?' 'you look well' 'you're a strong girl' comments from people, because I didn't feel well or strong and frankly I was sick of talking about my Crohns. But people aren't mind readers, they don't know what to say, so I know it's as hard for the people around you to know what to do as it is as hard for you. I heard a MIND advert on the radio a while ago, and it was advising people to just 'be there' for mental health sufferers, and that's all I wanted. Not someone to talk to, or go out with, distract me, but just someone to be there to help me not feel so alone. Depression is a very isolating illness, and I don't think you could describe the feeling, you would have to go through it to understand. I believe I was pretty ignorant before suffering, and when I heard about people being depressed I'd think, 'how can they be depressed?? They just bought a new car!' But I was so far off the mark, I didn't even understand until I developed it myself. The irrational thoughts totally take over your brain, and it slowly wears you down and down until you're not even you anymore. You're someone you don't even recognise yourself, and that just makes you feel worse. It is a feeling of drowning; you're struggling so much to keep afloat, but it feels so easy to just give up.

I'd say I noticed a change around December/Christmas time. I had started to go back into work for a few days a week, and I didn't have such anxiety about leaving the house. The first time I obviously did, but I realised it wasn't so bad. It was actually nice to see the faces I had missed, and speak verbally to people face to face. I started to see a glimmer of hope that I could get back to 'normal'. I really don't think I could have got to a happy place without Sertraline, but I did use other tools to help. I saw my therapist weekly and at first I hated going, I would cry before I went in, with my dad forcing me to go through the doctor's door, but when I saw the positive impact it had had, and how it was helping me, I started enjoying going. It was my hour a week I could rant to a stranger and have a moan up without getting a retort or being judged. Like I said, my support network massively helped and I think that my boyfriend buying me a puppy played a major part in my recovery! I don't think anyone could be sad with a cute puppy around. Even though she was sooo naughty, she was the perfect distraction. And I loved it that when people came over to my house, they just fussed over her and it wasn't my crohns being the main event anymore. It didn't feel so much like it was ruling my life, but that maybe I could rule it.

I've now been on the drugs for 9 months and although they have massively helped me, I am keen to get off of them. I feel in a place now where I am more stable emotionally and am also aware of the trigger signs, should I feel I am slipping back into a depressed state. Whilst speaking with my doctor, we decided I could come off of the tablets gradually and reduce the dosage slowly so as to avoid any withdrawal symptoms. The main thing that Sertraline does is to increase the serotonin levels in your brain. Serotonin is a chemical in the brain that regulates mood, learning, sleep, sexuality and appetite. So it is a pretty hard core drug! With it affecting the chemical that controls so many things in the brain, there is a risk of side affects and whilst being on sertraline I have noticed I have put on 10lbs. I found this pretty bizarre, as given my clean diet and regular exercising I couldn't work out where the weight had come from. When speaking to my doctor about this, she said that a side affect of Sertraline is weight gain, and the reason I have only put on 10lb is because I eat well and am active. So now I am in a better place mentally, I am keen to get off the tablets. But I am aware of the side affects and withdrawal symptoms... to combat this, I have decided to up my exercise. Exercise is a natural way to generate and increase serotonin in the brain. So I'm hoping that if I keep on top of my exercise routine, I can slowly come off of sertraline without noticing to much change. I'm not saying I will be lifting heavy weights and sprinting every day, but just trying to do something to get my heart rate going. I am a big fan of dog walks, and enjoy getting fresh air (when the UK weather allows it!) and it is nice to be outside noticing the sounds and sights as you walk around. If it rains there is always yoga classes, spin classes or indoor swimming.

Even though I am nervous and scared at what could happen to me when I am off the Sertraline tablets, I am trying to take each day as it comes. I wanted to write this post to encourage and reassure people that feel reliant on antidepressants that there are other ways to combat your feelings of depression and anxiety. And if coming off of them doesn't feel good for you, then stay on the tablets. There is no shame in that. Even if you try to come off and it doesn't work, go back on them and try again at a later date. Never be ashamed of needing a little help, and remember - everyone loves a tryer!

XOXO Crohnie Girl

My First Year as a Crohnie

Today has been a whole year since I got diagnosed with Crohns Disease. Wow. I don't normally look back, as I am always focusing forwards and being positive but sometimes it is important to realise how far I have come. I remember when I was first diagnosed, people told me this was just a flare, and it wouldn't last forever and I would be living a near enough normal life, and to be honest hearing that wasn't helpful. I didn't believe anyone who told me it would get better, but I can honestly say to any sufferers out there now, that it will get better!

I remember being told I had Crohns disease on this exact date last year. It was actually during my colonoscopy. I was semi awake and watching the camera on screen go over a whitish/yellow ulcerated patch and I knew that was it. After the procedure the Dr came round and told me she had found I had Crohns and would start me on a course of steroids beginning intravenously, then she left. I laid in the bed waiting for a porter to collect me and felt numb. I was still under some anaesthetic so couldn't really understand how I felt, but I know that my eyes filled up with tears. I think this was just because I was alone and overwhelmed, but once I was back in the ward I felt totally fine. I told all my bed neighbours my diagnosis and I surprised myself with how chirpy I was. The initial feeling was just relief, and then thinking that I would be discharged after a long 3 weeks in hospital. I freaked myself out with how 'OK' I was I began doubting I did actually have Crohns and maybe I made up the diagnosis in my knocked out state?! My mum came up to the hospital and I was still fine, sat on my bed reading through the information I'd been given by the IBD nurses and speaking about the next steps. I would say it took 24hours for it to actually kick in. I remember my nan & granddad came to visit me and my nan gave me a hug and all the emotion I had held in came pouring out. I burst into tears and it was in that moment I realised I had a lifelong chronic illness.

After diagnosis came steroid courses which were a joy in themselves!! Luckily I didn't experience the moon face or weight gain but I suffered really badly with not being able to sleep and feeling agitated. After 3 weeks sleeping in a hospital bed I couldn't wait for a good nights sleep in my own home, but this just didn't happen. I would be up throughout the night, waking every hour which made me so fed up, restless and angry. It really affected my moods and I wasn't myself at all. I then had a family holiday booked which should have been a week of fun in the sun, and I just wasn't up to it. I couldn't drink, I could barely eat, I couldn't sleep, I didn't feel like talking, I had anxiety about near enough everything and I just felt like I was not me. It was like I was trapped in this body I didn't want to be in and I couldn't do anything about it. At this stage I was still in denial about what was going on, and was forcing myself to be normal. If only I knew then that it was ok not to be ok. I didn't have to put on a front, it didn't matter what anyone else thought, I was going through a tough time and it was ok.

The first steroid course finished, and my symptoms came flaring up with a vengeance. Back to Basildon hospital to be put on another course of steroids. This happened 3 times in total and each time I just felt more fed up. Each time it was a reminder that I had Crohns. Each time a reminder I wasn't on top of it. Each time a reminder it controlled me. It totally wore me down. I had just turned 21 and was meant to be having the best summer of my life, and as much as I pretended I was fine and having fun, I was crushed inside. I hated myself for what my body was doing to me. I hated waking up every morning and having to fight through another day, plaster on a smile and be 'Daisy'. I didn't want to be 'Daisy', I didn't want to be anything. Being so poorly and hardly eating anything left me with no energy to fight anymore and eventually my moods became so low, it resulted in my depression diagnosis. This was the lowest point of my 'Crohns journey', my rock bottom. But if I'm honest, I didn't even want help and I wouldn't have asked for it, it was only my family that must have been so desperately worried, that picked me up and took me to the Drs to get help. Even though I hated them for it then, and just wanted to be done, I could not be more thankful for their help. I know if it wasn't for my family, I wouldn't be here today.

So with a strong support network and some help from medication and a therapist, I was able to turn things around. Anything that got thrown my way, I tried my best to make it into a positive. I started this blog to help and encourage other sufferers and for me this has really been a lifeline. It's been a purpose, and when I have struggled through something, my thoughts have been 'well now I can share this and help others'. Really, as nasty and negative my Crohns has been, it has been positive in many other ways. One being I have some real, true, solid friendships. When in times of need, people prove themselves to you. They step up to the mark or they walk away, and even though the ones that walked away have hurt me, I am so lucky to look around and see all the amazing friends I do have and to know they are true friends. It has also encouraged me to have a healthier outlook on life. I now exercise regularly, and this really makes me feel good! Don't get me wrong I love a night in on the sofa, but not being able to go out and drink and eat all the time has encouraged me to do other things like exercise. It's also meant I have got really into cooking, because everything nowadays is processed and has a million ingredients added, the best way to make 'Crohns friendly' foods is to start from scratch and really it has been fun getting stuck in in the kitchen. My mum is amazing at finding things I can eat and tweaking recipes so really it has been a bonding thing for us too. I also like sharing my recipes, when I have made something that tastes good I feel proud. I want other people to taste it and know that not everything I eat tastes plain and boring (a lot but not everything! Ha). I have even took up the challenge of doing the Sunday dinners, and managed to cook a couple of six-men roasts which has made me feel proud!

Even though I am still on a large amount of medication, have to watch what I eat/drink daily, and don't always have the energy to behave like a 'normal 22' year old, I am still alive and kicking. I can still go on holidays, I can still socialise with my friends, I can still go to work. If you would have told me all these things in October 2015, I would not have believed you for a second. I thought my life was over, but now my outlook and perception on life has totally shifted. It has made me realise what's important and what's not. It doesn't matter if I missed out on one night at the Sugar Hut, what matters is I have an amazing family, amazing friends and that means Crohns will never beat me.

Here's to many more years of kicking Crohns in the fucking arse!

XOXO Crohnie Girl