I specifically remember this time last year saying to myself how 2015 was going to be 'my year', but there's no way I could have predicted what it would have turned out like. I can safely say that 2015 has been the worst year of my life. In June my world was completely turned upside down and after that things would never be the same. Having said that, 2015 has also been the best year of my life. I have done things and gone to places I never would have expected. I turned 21 and celebrated with all my friends and family in the most perfect way. I think it just proves you have to have the bad to appreciate the good.
The start of 2015 was amazing. I was going to be 21 this year and it was mapped out to be the best year ever. In March I was lucky enough to go to LA and Mexico with my boyfriend which really was an incredible trip (I want to move to LA!). When we got back it was my boyfriend's birthday and I'd planned a surprise night out with friends which was so much fun. Then it was my 21st!!! I felt like a real life princess and the celebrations just kept coming. It's funny now when I think about it, because I was doing everything wrong for my health (even though I thought otherwise) and I didn't feel great, but this was just my new normal I guess and I got on with it. Looking back at photos I can see how unwell I looked and puffy, it's crazy to know what I know is inside me now. I kept going, despite not feeling 100% and now I know this was all just the path to destruction. The major turning point when I realised things were wrong was over the May bank holiday weekend. I felt incredibly anxious and stressed and was running myself into the ground. That's when it triggered.
When I got my diagnosis in June, I felt devastated and for a good while I felt like I had to mourn the life I previously had. Things were never going to be the same. I was always going to have this thing inside me now. I vividly remember the doctor's telling me there was no cure for what I had, I was going to have it forever and that felt like a life sentence. I panicked about how things would change. Would my boyfriend still want to be with me? Would my friends still want to go out and have fun with me? Would my family get sick of my constant hospital appointments? The worst part of it was that I had no control over it. I had lost my independence totally. I became so reliant on my parents and had built up such anxiety about going outside my house, things were just going from bad to worse. I didn't want to be here anymore. Crohns disease actually led to me being diagnosed with depression in September, which not many people at the time knew about. I was very good at hiding it, and could easily put on my fake smile and pretend I was ok. But on the inside I felt like my soul was dying. I didn't know who I was anymore, this person wasn't 'me'. Crohns had turned me into someone else, someone who didn't value their life, who didn't want to carry on. I didn't want help, I didn't want to be fixed, I just wanted to shut my eyes and never wake up. Looking back on it now terrifies me. I can't believe I was actually in that low of a place to contemplate finishing my life. Were it not for my mum accidently finding out my intentions, who knows what things could have been like now. At the time I was angry at her for intervening. Angry at her making me go to a therapist and go on medication, but now I am so thankful. I have always been so lucky to have such an incredible support network around me and without that I really don't know what I would have done. Well I do know, I wouldn't be here writing this post.
So after an incredibly tough last half of the year, I feel stronger than I have ever been. I'm not the same person I was this time last year, I'm a better person. I'm stronger, wiser, healthier and am ready to face anything life throws at me. I'm on top of my diet and medication and for the first time in forever feel the one in control. I still go to therapy, take anti-depressants and countless other medication but I am the one in control. Crohns cannot beat me. Yes I have a chronic illness, but that isn't going to stop me. 2016 really is going to be MY year, and I am ready to attack it.
XOXO Crohnie Girl
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