Stepping Stones

One of the secrets in life is to make stepping stones out of stumbling blocks. When things go wrong, it's hard to think rationally and keep a positive attitude but it's important not to let mistakes make us and simply use them as a stepping stone.

In the past couple of weeks I have  noticed a real change in myself and I now believe myself when I say 'I'm getting there'. I think this is because I have had my first bit of positive news when visiting the nutritionist. For me, that has been a real turning point. It's given me hope that I could really control my disease through diet alone which would of course be amazing! So I've really focused on foods I can eat and also getting creative with it  which has meant I feel like I'm enjoying food again which is a massive positive. I have always been a food lover (maybe a bit too much!) so my diagnosis came as a bit of a blow as I thought I'd never be able to enjoy food again, but now knowing that there are certain foods I can eat, means I can enjoy food once again. I've been making lots of sauces to go on pasta dishes, soups, breakfast brunches (I have missed bacon!), marinated fish dishes and even cakes! As silly as it may sound to people, being able to eat 'normally' has helped to make me feel normal again and it's also meant I am getting better nutrition than I was before. It is hard when you're on a depravation diet to get all that you need, so now that I know tips and tricks to get the nutrition I need, it's made me feel more energetic and generally better in myself. I have also bought some highly recommended probiotics as well as L Glutamine supplement that will help to repair my gut and make me feel better. Along with the diet, I have still been going to therapy each week and continuing to make progress. With each good day I have, it makes me feel stronger and stronger and even more like I really am 'getting there'.

These are a few dinners I have had recently. I post them all on my Instagram if anyone wanted to look - https://www.instagram.com/xoxocrohniegirl/ 

So the next step was to look to get back to work and with a nod from my doctor I decided to start a phased return to work, where I would start working from home and just go into the office one day a week. I felt a little apprehensive about this, as anyone would but also excited. Plus I knew it was better to go sooner rather than later, as I didn't want to build up such anxiety about going back to work and make it a big thing. I had decided with my boss to work from home Monday, Tuesday, Thursday, Friday and then go into the office on a Wednesday. I was happy with this as it would break up my week and also happy to have some sort of routine! Obviously if I felt particularly poorly on a Wednesday, I didn't have to go in but the flexibility meant I could feel more relaxed towards work and not have to force myself in as I had done in the past. I am so conscious not too push myself as I feel like I've come so far, I don't want to just take ten steps back.
Monday & Tuesday were totally fine, and I was actually feeling fine about going in Wednesday. Tuesday night I went to a hot yoga class to help totally relax me. I wanted to have a really good nights sleep so I felt fresh in the morning for work. I had planned to get up and go with my sister which was although in rush hour, meant I wouldn't be on my own on the train so I felt better about that. I won't lie, I did have feelings of anxiety when I woke up Wednesday morning but to be honest I think that is only normal. I got myself ready, had some breakfast (said goodbye to Nelly!) then headed out the door which I think was the worst part. Actually getting myself to step outside, ready to face the day, and once I had done that I felt fine and confident to head into work. We got on the train which was packed as per usual during rush hour, but stood together. The majority of the journey was fine, but just as we were approaching Liverpool Street, I felt the urgent need to go to the toilet. This immediately panicked me as I could see no way out to the bathroom and felt claustrophobic and jammed in. I felt my hear beat rise, I felt sick, I felt faint and was struggling to keep myself calm. My sister said I went really white and as we got off the train, stood to the side with me. I told her I needed to go to the toilet so we rushed through the station. I felt in such bad pain because I had got myself so worked up, but we decided to sit down and have a cup of tea and calm down before I headed in. I was so thankful to my sister for being with me. I don't know what I would have done without her. She sat with me till I had totally calmed down, but I still felt in pain and really sick so I spoke to my boss and decided to head home. When I was home I felt really upset with myself and like I was a failure. All the negative thoughts I'd previously had came flooding back and took over. When my mind feels so irrational I struggle to shake it off, but my sister pointed out to me how far I had actually come. I had managed to get the train to London in rush hour which I hadn't done in a month so I should be proud of my achievement. It wasn't a failure, it was an achievement. I had to focus on what I had achieved, and not think of it as a step back. Just a side step. Just a stepping stone. Then tomorrow, I would step on the next stepping stone.

Thursday I went into work a little later to avoid rush hour and I had a much better journey. It was more relaxed and although I still felt a little anxious going into work, I over came it. I managed to go in and I had such a good day. It was so lovely to see everyone I had missed and nice to have some normality back. I felt really proud of myself. It's all the little things that are actually a big thing to me. It might be that I am able to go somewhere alone, or able to have a drink of alcohol, or a nice dinner and afterwards I think wow.. I did that. I feel like more and more each day I am getting back to being 'me', Daisy who has Crohns not I have Crohns & my name's Daisy. Slowly but surely, it's shrinking and I'm growing. And being able to recognise that myself is amazing.

I know that each day is not going to be perfect, and some days I will have a not so good day but from now on I will have no bad days. Just 'not so good' days. It's important to recognise that it is not all bad, and appreciate the good I have and what I am still able to do and also acknowledge my achievements. So I am going to continue my journey and am confident in saying I am 'getting there'.

XOXO Crohnie Girl

A Step In The Right Direction

Lately I've had a really tough time with things and have felt really down. I think no one really understands Crohns disease and how totally life consuming it is, unless you are a sufferer yourself. Not only does it have physical affects, but also has a huge impact on our mental state. Stress often makes Crohns symptoms worse so it can become a bit of a vicious cycle. A cycle in which I have been caught up in.

It's incredibly tough and disheartening when you feel like you're doing everything right and trying your absolute best but are getting no where. It would be easier if I could see a light at the end of the tunnel, but since diagnosis I haven't even seen a glimmer. I take all of my medication, I'm strict with my diet, I have early nights, I try my best to stay relaxed and calm but still suffer. Currently I am on steroids, but a low dose and ones that are not aggressive as Prednisolone. This has been great as I haven't had the horrible side effects, but it also means I haven't had the great benefits. Things have just been 'OK'... Not that I even know what 'OK' is anymore. I think you can spend so long not feeling normal, that it just becomes your new normal. This is what has happened with me. Things haven't improved so it's just become my normal. Just something that I have to live with and can't defeat and this has really been getting me down. So down that I have been signed off work for a few weeks by my doctor so I can really give myself a chance to get better. When my doctor first suggested this I was so reluctant but now I can see it was a good thing. All along I have been pushing myself back to work and pushing myself back to my 'normal' life but it has all been too much for me. I haven't allowed myself to get properly better so this is what I am now doing.

As well as spending days at home, I have tried to get out briefly as I am conscious to not build up such anxiety about going out that I just keep myself indoors. This would't be good for me at all, so when I have felt brave enough I have ventured out, although not all times have been a success. A couple of Friday's ago I went to the cinema with my family. We had something to eat before and I ordered a gluten free margarita pizza which I thought would be fine for me, but boy was I wrong. The adverts hadn't long finished until unbearable pain consumed my body. My stomach cramped and twisted and I only knew too well what was coming. I tried to take deep breaths and ignore the pain (I felt like I was going into labour! I can only imagine ha) and I took some of my Zapain tablets I carry in my bag and told myself it would go soon. But every 15 minutes came the unbearable cramps. I held out for as long as I could but I just couldn't stand it anymore. I ran out of the screening to go to the toilet only to find the toilet wasn't on the same floor. Panicking, I sprinted down two flights of stairs whilst undoing my jeans and luckily made it to the toilet just in time. I was distraught. I sat in the cubicle and cried. It was relentless, there was no way I could go back into the film. The usual questions came up again, why me. It almost makes me think what is the point of trying to go out and have a normal life. This is how the vicious cycle starts. I worry about going out, and stress about toilet locations which then only makes my symptoms worse. My symptoms lasted for the duration of the evening which meant that Saturday I woke up feeling totally exhausted and unable to do anything. I laid on the sofa the whole day and had to miss out on a breakfast with my friends. Just one of many things I've had to miss out on because of Crohns.

But after a rubbish weekend, Monday bought new hope. I had an appointment with a Nutritionist based in Hatfield Peveral, Essex. I had been recommended to see her by a friend who also suffers with Crohns and said she was very helpful. So although I had been feeling down, I went to her with an open mind and I am so glad I did. She was simply amazing. It was the first time since my diagnosis I had actually had some positive news and felt hopeful about things. I sat in a chair and held a metal stick which was connected to a machine which reminded me of a lie detector test. The nutritionist then took another metal stick which was connected to the machine and pressed it into acupuncture points in my toe. Then, chemicals in tiny vials were put into the machine and the dial on the machine would go somewhere between 0 and 100 depending on how tolerant my body was to the chemical (the food). We went through a whole list of foods to see what I could and couldn't tolerate and it was amazing. All along I had been having dairy as I thought it didn't affect me, but cheese went straight up to 100 meaning I was very lactose intolerant. Although I LOVE cheese, I thought this was really positive as it meant that if I cut out cheese and lactose it could make me feel better. Hope!! There was hope for me yet!! I also found out that I could drink champagne, as well as wheat free vodka which was a bonus for me. Steak, white wine, chilli, and onion were all very bad for me which I did expect but it was nice to have definite answers. Obviously everyone is different, and I understand this but being told this time and time again is very frustrating as I just wanted definite answers, but this nutritionist was able to provide this for me which was amazing. I left feeling incredibly positive. My mum almost couldn't believe my change in mood, and it was simply because I could finally see a light at the end of the tunnel. The nutritionist gave me loads of great ideas of how to still get a balanced diet including my five a day. She suggested using my Nutri bullet to make sauces for pasta dinners and to add flavour and nutrition to meal times. I could boil and blend up veggies in the mixer and blitz them and voila, a sauce! I was excited to get home and start my new meal plan with my new found knowledge. I really found it so helpful and would recommend anyone to go. It was much better than what I would have got from the NHS dietician which I am still waiting to hear from!!

This was the machine used in the test. This is the link to the clinic that I went to. I really would highly recommend!
http://www.bodysenseukltd.co.uk/nutrition-clinic/ 

This was my amazingly tasty dinner. I boiled up carrots, cabbage and butternut squash then blended them in the nutri bullet. I also added turmeric to give it a curry taste. Turmeric also has amazing beneficial properties and works as an anti-inflammatory which is good for my Crohns. Curry is my favourite dinner as I love hot tasty food,  but I now can't have chilli but I didn't even miss is as the turmeric made it taste so good. I then had a skinless jacket potato which was good for me as low fibre, and I was able to have it with dairy free butter (Vitalite) so all in all this dinner was a winner!

So although I have been down and off work, things are looking up. I feel like I have taken a step in the right direction and it has been amazing how much food can change your mood, health and life. It's made me feel so much more positive and my therapist is so happy with the improvements I have made. For the first time since June I feel like things are going in the right direction. And to top things off, my amazing boyfriend has bought me the best present in the world.... A PUPPY!! I have wanted a puppy for so long to have alongside my dog Buffy and I finally got one. A cute fluffy girl called Nelly and she is just perfect. So whilst I have been home I have had her to make me smile. She is the perfect distraction from my Crohns. I should have named her 'Cure', she is simply amazing and a cheeky little pickle! So how things are going at the moment is positive, and I am aiming to get back to work very soon, although I am conscious of rushing things, I will just ease back when I feel comfortable and ready.

Even Naughty Nelly has got keen on the diet plan!

XOXO Crohnie Girl